Rainbow Lake Trail

I drove down to Chattanooga today and went on a 3 hour hike around Signal Mountain. Honestly, the drive (just under 2 hours) was lovely itself, and driving up the switchback really reminded me of Colorado. Nature is majestic and magical. I literally thought to myself, "Is this what being happy feels like?" The mountains, in particular, fill me with a sense of awe. The hike itself was amazing, even though at times I lost the trail, and there were some steep, rocky parts. But there were falls, a dam, a suspended bridge, and a gorgeous view of the Tennessee River. I'll just let my photos show a glimpse of what was a wonderful hike.

Weekly Blogs Start Now

March was good for me. I gave up my computer for Lent. Until I had to apply to some jobs. So I didn't quite make it the entire 40 days. But instead of turning it off for good, I want to do one or two productive things instead. I fell off the wagon of my daily goals or habits I am trying to cultivate: Practice violin, Study German, Read the Bible, Exercise, and Clean. I had paired Writing with Exercise but I really want to do both. It has been disappointing to not feel like any good habits have taken root, but I can't think about streaks. I have to become someone who does the things and lives the life that I want. I don't think about running 3-4 times a week. I do what I believe a runner does until I convince myself that I AM a runner. 

I have been writing every so often when something comes to my mind. I keep a pad of paper in my car for road thoughts. I'm not OCD exactly but I really wanted separate books for different types of writing. But at the end of the year I hope to bundle all the things I've done and be able to say, "The efforts of this year have born good fruit." 

There's an information overload whenever you look online. But there's a ton of valuable nuggets of information and advice that could be used to better your self. One easy way to process and catalogue those clips would be to write a short blurb about them. Just an attempt to internalize something useful and work on my writing at the same time. 

I'll fail for sure, at some points. But I have to believe that I can work towards bettering myself consistently, and that means I have to declare my goal. I don't have an audience now, but maybe one day I will, and they can help keep me accountable. But to be clear, I want to write a short blog at least once a week. Then twice a week. 

Here's my first clip to share. I'll see if I can embed it directly, but here is the link.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/-1n4wO3iEE0

Rachmaninoff and Steinbeck

Some things in life make me take notice. In another post, hopefully soon, I'll write my thoughts about church and work. But I am trying to finish a lovely novel Steinbeck wrote, 'Once There Was A War', put together from his war correspondences in England, Africa, and Italy. I was distracted by the YouTube Let's Play I was listening to so I am now listening to a wonderful video of Rachmaninoff's 2nd Piano Concerto. 

It really hit me during the beautiful clarinet parts of the 2nd movement - wow, music has such power to move. When I was a kid, I used to think that the 2nd movements were too slow and boring. As I grow older, I find myself moved by them the most. 

And I want this to be a brief, impromtu blog post, but I must say that there's something delightful and charming about Steinbeck's writing; how he captures little details to give his stories and people and places life. I am reminded of how much I enjoyed Bruce Chatwin's great travelogue, 'In Patagonia.' 

I'm so glad I took the time to read, which lead me to listen to Classical music. I don't understand much these days - why does art, in all its forms - affect me so? It may not be significant in any way, but tonight I feel glad to be alive. Not for the first time in my life do I wonder why I feel at war with myself: clearly part of me would be happy if I lived a life filled with music and literature and hikes with my camera. Yet, even knowing what should make me happy I choose to waste my time instead. 

I miss music. But nothing is stopping me from living my best life filled with music. I am my own biggest obstacle and I don't have to be. 

Setting up the pieces

I feel like I'm starting to wake up from my old life, where I just went through the motions, with no dreams or ambitions, and a listlessness and (I don't think it's much of an exaggeration) dispair. Ever since I moved home from Vienna, I really have felt like a failure, and I still could not tell you why I got depressed when I had everything I wanted right in front of me. I've harbored a lot of bitterness towards God because I didn't understand why that door closed in my face. "Oh, maybe I'll move back home and meet the love of my life, or find something I'm super passionate about for a totally different career." That would have made me feel like it was a good thing. But that didn't happen, and I still miss Vienna dearly.

This past month I have found hope that I can finally turn over that new leaf. Taking the first step is always the hardest for me (except maybe finishing the last 10%, but that's another post for another day) and I'm glad that I've done something to make a future where I can be happy. 

Today I was told that I am ready to test for a Yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do. Honestly, the cynic in me thinks that it's too soon and if I am handed something so easily, it can't mean much. Maybe it's just a poor dojang (dojo) that's a 'belt factory' or a fancy daycare for children. Some days there are simply too many people for everyone to have ample space to move and practice. But while it is a little more expensive than I wish it was, it gets me out of the apartment, is helping me get in shape (and lose weight), and is something that I'm enjoying learning. I hope I can train my discipline as well. And hey, God forbid I'm ever in a bad situation, but it is a form of self defense. 

Although I have not done any editing, I have really enjoyed taking my camera out to some nice, little state parks in the area. A 5 mile hike was properly rewarded with a good beer at a local brewery. 

I'm actually thinking about the future, and though I don't know where I'm going, any strides I have taken are a big change from just drifting along with no motivation. I know too well that saying that I want to do something and actually WANTING to do something are totally different. And I think there is a place for a bit of "fake it until you make it" mentality. Just to build up a bit of momentum; to break inertia. 

One thing I want to focus on, amid all the grand plans, is to shift my attitude to one of thankfulness and positivity. You want to do cool things and create a life where you can't wait to get out of bed in the morning? The biggest obstacle is probably You. I'm tired of undermining my goals. I don't want to look back and know that I wasted the best years of my life.  I know I'm capable of great things. More to come, thanks for anyone who read this.