Patience

A few days before I left home Grace and Haz were over at the house. I love them very much, but after about 15 minutes on the trampoline I am exhausted. Raising kids is incredibly hard work and I don't even know the half of it, because when I watch the kids it's for a few hours and I just have to make sure they don't hurt themselves. Yet when I'm tired, my patience is tested, and it's been found wanting.

Even just a few weeks ago I would have considered myself to be patient. Don't we all think we're little islands of long-suffering, common sense, and open-mindedness in an ocean of idiots? It's like how everyone truly believes they are above-average drivers. Patience and perseverance are required for growth. In our relationships and our careers.

So I'm trying to slow things down and focus on one thing at a time. There's a time to plan for the future as well as reminisce about how we got here, but it's just as important to be fully present in the moment. As a musician I want to set aside time in my day to just listen to music. I don't have to practice 12 hours a day if I practice efficiently and with the patience to concentrate on one problem at a time. The slower you practice, in terms of material covered, the faster you learn. The faster you learn, the more material you can cover.

To me, patience in a broader sense means trust in a process. Working through the boring or difficult times with the end goal in mind. You let go of your worry of temporary failure in the hope of ultimate success. Patience is replacing anger, and annoyance, and fear, and frustration with love. It's understanding that people have other problems and that sometimes it's just not the right time for something that you want in your life. Things may not go according to your plans. As the song goes, "You can't always get what you want // But if you try sometime you might find you get what you need."

From 5000 Miles Away

There's something I find sweet about the idea of walking 1000 miles to be with someone. I really love that song. I have The Proclaimers playing on repeat right now. I was not aware that they were Scottish twins. The more you know.

Unfortunately, I live 5000 miles away from people that I love (although I'm very happy to have some great friends here in Vienna!) and it's much cheaper to fly home. Also, there's the Atlantic Ocean. So I'm sorry that I can't be stupidly romantic. There are other ways to show that I care, however, and I have to figure out what works for me.

I told Amber that it feels like I'm living two lives. I'm very divided. It's unfortunate that we can only be in one place and that every choice means the exclusion of other paths. 

It's impossible to tell where I will be after next year. Originally I was thinking of living abroad for several years if I could win an audition. I still believe my best opportunities are in Europe. But after my unanticipated return home I find that I have definitely left part of my heart there. Tennessee will always be my home. And while I may not end up settling down in Tennessee, I would love to be closer than 5000 miles away. 

Right now, I have chosen to be here. I am working to hone my craft in the hope that one day I will be able to play music that I love as a professional. And of course I love living here. But it means that I have to figure out ways to connect with and love people from 5000 miles away. It's a challenge, as I can't be in the same physical space as friends. We can't go out for a drink or eat together, or take pictures together, or hug, or just sit around and laugh at how one of your dogs is terrified of me. If I want to see anyone through Skype I have to account for a significant time difference. 

I love people by giving them my time. I don't really care what we do, as long as we're having fun. But it's not quite the same from so far apart. I'm going to leave this post open-ended, because I'm still trying to figure it out. And I know that most people of my generation are confronted with the challenge of a long distance relationship, be it family, friends, or significant others. Eventually you have to choose between returning home or making a new place your home. 

Rubik's Cube

A cellist named Charlie taught me how to solve a Rubik's cube while I was at my first summer music festival in 2002. Ah, Sewanee. So hot during the summer that I brought my own little air conditioner in 2003. That was also the year when I first watched any Monty Python. Sewanee is a lovely little place with a beautiful campus kind of in the middle of nowhere, Tennessee. It was the first of many summers spent playing soccer and ultimate frisbee, running in the rain, learning card games, making friends, and of course practicing and performing music.

I taught Bekah how to play pool. One time both legs cramped from playing soccer and Tina had to carry me home. I still miss drinking Grasshoppers (the best mint drink ever) at Stirling's coffee house. I still wear my Sewanee T-shirt to this day. I went spelunking in brand new shoes and put them through the wash. I grew to appreciate drum sticks as an old fashioned metronome. Rest in Peace, Mr. Dinkins. I'm getting really nostalgic, so I'll move on. Those were great summers, though.

Solving a Rubik's cube is easy, if all you do is look up the algorithms. Once you memorize a few patterns it loses its novelty. I probably didn't pick up a Rubik's cube again until a party at Vanderbilt where I claimed I could solve one and then realized, while being timed, that I had forgotten. When I moved back to Vienna I saw one at a store and decided to figure out new solutions on my own. After about a week or two of trial and error I narrowed it down to about 10 short algorithms. Now I use 5, and it's second nature to me.

I tell you this because my Rubik's cube is a prime example of something I do repetitively when I'm bored. There's something very comforting about the familiar. It's almost an aid to meditation for me. But it's also potentially a huge time waster. I'm looking at it now and wanting to mix it up. I look back at myself in high school and at all those music festivals and I wonder how I turned into the procrastinator that I am now. Bad habits and the instant gratification of YouTube entertainment. It's odd because at any of my jobs I was always very professional and a hard worker. So I clearly have a good work ethic. It's more difficult when the threat of being fired isn't hanging over my head.

There's nothing wrong with YouTube or Facebook, but unfortunately I've grown accustomed to a work to play ratio of about 20/80, when it should be 80/20. For some reason I have a terrible time getting excited about practicing, and I drag my feet until I have some deadline I'm afraid of missing. I know what I should be doing. I want to want to do it. I know that a good practice session is really rewarding and will make me happy, and if I don't practice I'll feel guilty and horrible. But it's like living the life I want to live is scary. Maybe it's a fear of failure. Or maybe I just hate knowing that when I start I'm going to sound bad and it'll be a struggle to get to a point where I'm happy with my progress. Either way it's easier to do nothing.

But doing nothing is a dangerous thing. It undermines your confidence. It makes you feel guilty. You don't want to read, or write, or think because it takes too much effort and having a sharp mind only brings your failure into focus. You feel insignificant, and in order to dull the pain you try to not care about things. Apathy can suck the life right out of you. It leaves you with a Rubik's cube. Something that should be fun but has become vapid through sheer repetition.

It's a slow process and old habits die hard (I just solved my cube again) but I feel much better about filling my life back up with the things I love. Writing is one thing I've found a lot of joy in, which I hope is apparent in these posts. I hope to make more of an effort to keep in touch with friends. And practicing, although I still have trouble focusing for more than a few minutes at a time, has been a lot more fun. One step at a time. Keep trying to love life a little more all the time.

Kunsthistorisches Museum

I've been trying to practice and get my sleep schedule back on track (which is not going so well, unfortunately) so I have hardly left my apartment since I have been back in Wien. Before I left, Amber asked what would be the first thing I do. I said that the first thing would be to go to a museum. That's not true since I went to the grocery store and I also bought new plates so that I have more than 2 for when visitors come. I also bought The Little Prince and East of Eden. I'm super excited for the new movie. The Little Prince is one of my favorite books of all time. I hope they leave the core of the book alone, but I am intrigued by the frame story. And I've been wanting to read East of Eden for years now.

Anyway, it was another gorgeous day so I decided to go out and see what new things were at the Kunsthistorisches Museum. I have a year pass there and trust me, I have already gotten my money's worth. I went straight to the museum because I knew my feet tend to get tired and I didn't want to spend all day out since I need to practice. It's still a bit surreal being back, even having only left for 3 months. I forget who told me this, but someone said that Wien is sort of a mix of various architectural styles and it's not the prettiest city. Maybe there are other more beautiful cities, especially in Europe, but I still love it here. I find it very difficult to describe cities to people. Every city is unique and has a certain feeling. I have to go explore the city and try cafes and restaurants so that I can properly entertain my friends who are coming to visit. So I'll be posting about what I discover.

Back to the museum, I really loved the new exhibit which included Titian, Peter Paul Rubens, and even some Rembrandt. All of whose works I enjoyed seeing at the National Gallery in Washington, DC. I find that my tastes in art have really grown and expanded. A big example being that I used to think that portraiture was so boring. Then the Velazquez exhibit last winter changed that. I just found myself mesmerized by his portraits. I wouldn't say that I've moved away from my love of landscapes and impressionism, but I have since fallen in love with Jugendstil (Art Nouveau) as well as Baroque and earlier styles.

Being the home to the Viennese Secession, Klimt, Schiele, and Kokoschka are venerated here. On the other end of the spectrum, Albrecht Durer and Pieter Bruegel the Elder hold prominent spots in the Kunsthistorisches and Albertina Museums. And somewhere in the middle is Carl Moll, Hans Makart, and Koloman Moser. The Last Judgment by Hieronymus Bosch is even in Wien. But although a wonderful Monet exhibit was at the Belvedere over the winter, I don't know if there are any works by Monet, Manet, Degas, Renoir, Sisley, Cezanne, Pisarro, (or Van Gogh), so basically nothing French. So I'm especially glad that I was able to visit the National Gallery in DC, which has all of those artists represented, in addition to British and American artists.

Art really brings me great joy, and I'm so lucky to live in a city with world class museums. I wish they were a little less expensive, but it's worth it.

Getting to Know You

The older I get, the less tolerance I have for mind games. Say what you mean. As long as you mean what you say. Life is too short for anything short of honesty, isn't it? Once you figure out who you are, be yourself, and surround yourself with people who love you for who you are. And love them in the same way in return. There's plenty of room left for tact, and timing, and kindness, and gentleness. Honesty doesn't have to be painful or awkward, and should be loving.

I have been telling Chris how I miss the old quizzes on Facebook you tag your friends in. Most of the questions were dumb, but as a whole it wasn't a pointless exercise. The interesting question is: what questions do you ask if you want to actually get to know someone? I thought of a list that I might throw up in a Facebook Note (remember those?), but I also remember reading about a similar list in the New York Times. The idea behind its creation is that we can accelerate the getting-to-know-you process by opening up and asking the right questions.

One of the later questions is: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

It's funny, isn't it, how we don't tell people how we feel and how we love them. By funny, I mean stupid. Why? Go tell someone that you love that you love them. Right now. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed to any of us. The world can always use more love, but also, what good is loving someone if they don't know that you love them? It's so easy, we have no excuse.

I'm probably not alone in my desire to withhold the big L word for special occasions. You don't love everyone the same way. I'm not suggesting we tell our landlords and hairdressers that we love them. But everyone (hopefully) has at least one person that they do love. Ask yourself when the last time it was that you told a loved one that you loved them. I'm guessing it's been too long for someone on your list.

I may be socially inept at times, but there's nothing I love more than having a good conversation with someone. A connection is made, a bond is strengthened, a friendship is deepened. In any social situation, I'm just waiting to be asked the right questions. But I don't have to wait.

Here's something you probably don't know about me. I regret that I never learned how to swing dance. For a violinist my mind-body connection is surprisingly poor. I knew I would look like a fool learning to dance, but I wish that I hadn't let that fear stop me from learning something which looks wonderful and fun (unfortunately I don't know firsthand).

People communicate in all sorts of ways. Through hugs, gifts, and other thoughtful actions. In the aforementioned quiz the creators wanted partners to conclude their experiment with 4 minutes of eye contact. Four minutes is a very long time. Especially in silence. I know. I don't know if I've made it past 30 seconds. I'm not sure what you communicate that way, but a connection is made.

I'm not likely to stare into your eyes for four silent minutes the next time we meet, but I hope to get to know you better. If you don't mind answering some questions with me, send me a message.

Lines of Reasoning Concerning God, Pt. 2

I realize that with this post I am proceeding from the assumption that God is the Christian God. Although I have not researched the theologies of other religions I do believe that the central theme throughout all organized religions is that God is good, and that we need to live a certain way to reach him. I have the advantage of having been raised in a Christian home and am familiar with Christianity's teachings, so it was natural for me to start by examining the God of the Bible. Every religion tells us certain things about who God is, and I would like to learn about other religions, but personally I wanted to see if the faith of my childhood made sense.

If God is good, then there are absolutes. There is good and evil, a right and a wrong way to live. God is also just, and rewards good behavior and punishes bad behavior. Does God change our circumstances to do this? Life experience shows us that this is not (usually) the case.

Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. Belief in God may not affect the 10%, but it does change the 90% of how you react.

The only logical reason a perfectly good, all powerful God would create a world outside His full control, giving beings the ability to choose between good and evil is that God created us for a purpose. Which is to freely choose Him.

Choosing God involves believing that we need to be saved from sin which leads to death. Distinct from other religions which have enlightenment as a means of overcoming our sinful nature, Christianity asserts that we cannot save ourselves or do enough good works to please God.

Instead, Christians believe that God had to send His Son, who was perfect and innocent, to die in our place, taking punishment we deserve. By doing this He defeated death through His resurrection, removing the barrier of sin between us and God. This was His gift of supreme love, and all that is necessary for salvation is belief that Christ died for our sins and repentance, accepting the Holy Spirit into our lives so that we are spiritually reborn.

When we invite the Holy Spirit to take over our lives, symbolized in baptism, God lives in and through us. He will guide us according to His will, and begin to change us into the people He meant us to be: His children. If our sinful nature has died in order for our spiritual rebirth and Christ lives in us, we will be perfected and united with God after death.

Lines of Reasoning Concerning God, Pt. 1

Logically there are 2 possible truths.
Either: 1) There is no god and therefore life has no purpose in a teleological sense. There is no afterlife and all meaning in our lives is self-made based on individual and societal values. Morality is a relative construct based on human ideals which can change.
Or: 2) There is a god who created us and the world, and ultimately our purpose is to please or glorify god. There is an afterlife and our beliefs and actions in this life determine our eternal destination. Morality is separate from human ideals but instead is god's will.

We cannot know which of these possibilities is The Truth through our reason alone. Both are equally reasonable, but only one can be true.

Assuming that we believe that there is a god who created the world and ourselves, what can we know about him?

Can we know that god is good? Does perfection, and therefore goodness, exist in him? I there a distinction between the idea that god, if perfect, can ONLY do good and the idea that whatever he does is good, simply by the virtue that he did it? Could god be or do wrong or evil?

There is evil by commission and evil by omission. God created the world, something which is outside himself. Then he created us, in his image (according to the Bible), with the free will to choose. So has god limited himself by creating a closed system, assuming this neutral space is the only place free will could truly exist? I believe C.S. Lewis says (in Mere Christianity) that the world must be a closed system to allow for free will.

A miracle can be defined as the supernatural: something happens that is not in accordance with the Laws of Nature. Miracles (by this strict definition) can only be perpetrated by beings outside this world, with the power to affect it. The question is, if miracles can and do happen, why do they occur in some instances and not others?

This is summed up in the Problem of Evil: If God is good and all powerful, why is there evil in the world?

Evil exists either because: There is no God, and technically good and evil is just a man-made construct; God is not good, or is indifferent; or God is not all powerful.

If divine intervention was everywhere, would that destroy the neutrality of the world? If people saw miracles everyday, it wouldn't take much faith to believe that god exists. God can and will redeem the world according to His will (promised in the Bible), but when He does so, free will can no longer exist. With redemption comes judgment. God chooses to allow evil for a time because the good that comes from our choosing Him of our own free will is worth all the temporary pain and death of evil. In the end, all evil will be punished. We just can't see justice from our temporal position.

Might God have limited His power of influence in the world for a time, and primarily have to work through His agents? Could other celestial beings (angels and demons) have the power to change things here? If God fills His followers with the Holy Spirit, and the Devil also possesses his followers, then spiritual warfare is not metaphorical but literal.

God has limited His power in order to allow people to freely choose Him, thereby bringing Him glory. God has the power to remake the world perfectly, and has promised that that day is coming. Until then God is doing all He can to save as many people by making His invitation to salvation as accessible as possible, but He is (perhaps) limited by His followers (His hands and feet on Earth) and hindered by the Devil. If we consider the Problem of Evil from outside of Time as we know it, it is possible for God to be both good and ultimately all powerful.

God cannot save everyone because He will not force people to accept Him. Hell does exist. Life is not fair. Not everyone has the same opportunity to learn about God and have an informed choice as to whether or not they believe in Him and follow His teachings. If God is righteous He will take that into account on Judgment Day. We can't know how.

Love Yourself

I'm not a funny person. Ask any of my friends to describe me, and I hope my sincerity and thoughtfulness are mentioned. I doubt that my humor will be. I try to live my life with a quiet dignity and integrity. That's why I have almost no typical college stories of drunken mistakes. It sometimes makes me a little sad that I don't have any fun stories for parties. There's rarely a moment when I can say, "Oh, that reminds me of this one time..." I'm not the crazy best friend who remembers how we almost got arrested. I wasn't there. I'm the 3rd best friend who you tell that story to.

Of course I don't want to be boring. Who wants to win Never Have I Ever? Of course, to me, there's nothing more interesting than being smart. The person I want to be knows German. He can talk about his favorite paintings and books on an intellectual level. He can engage with you about philosophies of music and discuss how to keep both Classical music relevant and be receptive to new voices that speak for our generation. He takes creative pictures and watches foreign films. Doesn't my hypothetical dream self sound interesting? He'd even like to be able to make his own mixed drinks, because he's classy, dammit.

But he also wants to be funny. He not only wants to treat his friends like family, but he wants to be considered family by his friends. He'd like to be rid of his inferiority complex. That's not hypothetical at all. Sometimes I think that if I were funnier or more interesting, people might actually think about me and send me a message.

In my twisted, analytical mind I can teach myself to be funny, just as I could teach myself anything else, through practice. Of course, everyone has innate skill ceilings for various things, and maybe it's not in my nature to be funny. But I have the rest of my life to work on figuring it out, if I so desire.

That's not the point I want to make here, though. Feeling that Jesus loves me changed how I see myself. I may not be who I want to be, but I am able to love myself regardless, safe in the knowledge that God thinks I am worthy of love. And if I feel lovable, I'm more ready to trust that the people who I love love me in return. At our last meeting, Amber asked me how I thought I accepted love. I didn't know what to think of that concept, but I see now that I didn't believe that I was loved.

People aren't perfect, and they don't love perfectly. I don't. But if I love myself, maybe it'll be easier to be lovable. How can I expect others to love me if I don't love myself? And maybe I'll be that much closer to being that hypothetical dream me. And maybe he'll get a girlfriend. Because that guy is a real catch.

Just Feeling It Out

It's not that I don't have any feelings. I just have trained myself to not trust them. Reason has always been a guiding light, the north star, something which we can use to determine right and wrong actions. If men were all reasonable the world would be a much better place, I think. But men are not reasonable, and feelings are irrational. And while I would not have plainly stated that feelings were wrong or problematic, I certainly believed that they were untrustworthy.

But feelings are kind of like the heart to the bones of our reason. I guess our values can be the muscles in this analogy. Feelings are why we live. Reason is how we live. Look, I'm making this up as we go. I just mean that doing things because we feel that we should, or that we expect to feel a certain way as a result is a valid and often fun way of living.

I still believe that one thing that feelings do is validate our reason. Two options may be presented which have different but equally valid reasons behind them. Stay close to home for college or go to a more prestigious school. Staying close to family might allow for a support system and familiarity of the area that you couldn't have if you went further away. The closer school may be cheaper, but the other school might have a better program for your major. Reason may take you far, and you could solely rely on reason to make your decision, but your feelings might be a useful tool to help you discern what is the better choice for you.

Feelings have not been enough for me to make decisions. The first thing I ask myself is "Why am I feeling this way?" And the result is a lot of self-doubt and hand-wringing. Particularly when it involves my feelings about other people. I am a cowardly, non-confrontational person who never wants to inconvenience anyone. Top tip: If we are out at dinner, do not wait for me to flag down the waiter for the check. They will walk by 5 times before I say anything.

A relatively recent personal revelation I have made was that feelings that seem selfish or wrong or even nonsensical aren't any less real. I have talked myself out of asking several girls out because I thought that my feelings were unfounded or misguided. Maybe I was more in love with the idea of being in love than the girl. I worried that my feelings were directed towards my perception of who she was, or rather who I wanted her to be for me.

How I feel about someone is important information for potentially big decisions. So I am trying to not view feelings as inferior to and mutually exclusive from reason. Your feelings might tell you that you have other options besides the perfectly reasonable ones. Something wonderful and, in the present, inconceivable might be beyond what your reason tells you is an impossible obstacle.

Flight Movies

In general I am willing and able to sleep at all hours of the day, on anything that is relatively clean, warm, and free of pointed objects. I've slept in chairs, and typically I fall asleep on planes without too much of a problem provided that I bring my travel pillow. But on very long flights I do not fall asleep easily, unfortunately. Knowing this, I decided to watch movies the entire transatlantic flight this trip. It succeeded to occupy my mind and made the 7 hour flight much more bearable. I wanted to sleep in Heathrow after getting fish and chips, but I managed to power through until last night thanks to a short nap on my final flight.

The three movies I picked were: The Imitation Game, Wild, and Into the Woods. I basically cried during all three movies.

The Imitation Game is a fascinating biopic of a genius who tragically was persecuted unjustly for the crime of homosexuality. Cumberbatch does a fantastic job of portraying Alan Turing as logical and emotionally ignorant, but he grows to be likable and endearing, especially as his schoolboy days are shown. It would have been fascinating to understand exactly what the work in cryptography actually entailed, but you can't have everything. Knowing nothing about Turing or Joan Clarke it's hard for me to evaluate how well the movie captured their personalities. Assuming it is mostly accurate, the movie is an intense view into the lives of people in World War II who did amazing things that were kept secret for many decades.

Wild was also more personal than I expected it to be. Even though I knew the story was about a woman who decided to hike the Pacific Crest Trail after her life fell apart, I guess I thought it would be more about the hike itself and the transformative power of the beauty of Nature. It just so happens that the physical journey also makes a perfect metaphor for Witherspoon's character's spiritual rebirth from the ashes of her life. The presentation of the story through editing struck me as particularly effective. I have not read Strayed's memoir, but the juxtaposition of physical trials and flashbacks really brought her inner demons to light as we learn what brought her to the decision of hiking hundreds of miles. It is a moving account of how we deal with loss and recover from the mistakes of our past.

Into the Woods was visually a stunning update / screen adaptation of a Sondheim classic. My thoughts can be summed up in the following sentence: Meryl Streep is an incredibly talented actress (and not a bad singer!) but she's no Bernadette Peters. I am always skeptical of famous, established actors in musicals. I recognized almost everyone in every major role, and accordingly, I thought that the acting was phenomenal. But the singing was average overall. For example, I am just not convinced that Johnny Depp is a strong singer. The songwriting is so strong that I still loved the movie, though. They changed the ending a bit from what I remembered was a little too depressing in tone. I hardly never watched the second act. One other observation I had was that I missed a lot of the humor of the staged version. You just can't beat the 1991 version of Agony. They also cut the reprise of that song. It's a good movie, and it definitely makes me want to listen / watch more Sondheim.

Return

As my flight back to Vienna approached and my time here was running out, I was vaguely satisfied that I had at least started to work through family problems. I loved spending quality time with Amber and am happy that we are closer than ever. And then we were able to squeeze in one last visit Friday morning at Bongo Java.

I had given her a card at dinner earlier in the week for her upcoming birthday, and I included some money to help her to come visit me. I knew she would be suspicious and would probably open it. She did, and over tea she told me that she had been worrying about paying for the Bar exam, which is far more expensive than I would have dreamed. It seems obvious to me now that God was working through me, as I helped meet a need that I had no knowledge of.

She gave me a devotional book and a letter. Even as I had driven in to Nashville I had wondered if giving God a second chance would impact my life at all. When I got home I read her messages to me, and something incredible happened. Just reading that Jesus loves me triggered an emotional response unlike anything I have ever experienced, and I broke down crying. I felt that God was with me, and His love became a reality for me when He told me that He loved me. It washed away years of feeling worthless and like a failure. I hadn't even been aware that I hated myself that strongly, or that I craved God's love and approval so much.

Now I see that in a way God brought me back home, despite or because of family problems, in order to seek Him again and finally find Him. I have a lot of horrible habits but I can accept my wandering years as I struggled to make my own way in a new light; my unhappiness led to a re-evaluation of my life and if faith has a part to play in it. I chose to repent and return to God.

God welcomed me back with open arms.

And now as I fly back to Vienna tomorrow it really feels like a new chapter of my life is beginning.

New Music for Renewal

I finally decided on the last of 3 albums to buy. I generally find new bands once every few years, when I spend hours listening to iTunes previews. Each batch of music comes to represent that period of my life. I've come a long way developing my musical taste since Rachel, Jeff O., and Joseph introduced me to rock and indie music. Out of a long list I narrowed it down to about 8 new artists, and from there I chose The Phantom Band, Chvrches, and London Grammar.

Each of them scratch a particular itch. The Phantom Band was chosen for inventive orchestration, with a sound not unlike Vampire Weekend or Fanfarlo. Their songs are bigger, allowing for different textures to morph and evolve in a very satisfying way. Chvrches is the result of wanting to get into electronic music for years. It's more synth-pop, and is set apart by Lauren Mayberry's powerful vocals. Their sound has just enough cheesy 80's synth sound to make it very accessible. London Grammar also is built around female vocals, something I was looking for this go-around. It's very sparse accompaniment in the same realm as Jeff Buckley except with synthesizers. I went for the relaxed atmosphere over more active musical accompaniment in MS MR, but Hannah Reid really sells it.

I was hoping to find a good multi-vocal group, preferably with both male and female singers, in the vein of The Mamas and the Papas, The Carpenters, and Fleetwood Mac. I love Vampire Weekend, Fleet Foxes, and Grizzly Bear for their layered vocals, but didn't find any new groups with a similar structure. The Colourist came the closest but although their voices worked well together, the male vocals were weak. I did like the female vocals (she was also the drummer!) but it was a little too pop-y for my current tastes.

This comes after purchasing 3 operas: Hansel und Gretel, Madama Butterfly, and Aida. I figured that I should listen to and learn more operas if I'm dreaming of playing them professionally. I'm waiting until I am back in Wien to order opera DVDs since they will actually be cheaper, even with shipping from the US. I think I will buy Otello, La fille du regiment, and Turandot. Hopefully all this music will inspire me to work harder.

Shower Talk

God doesn't speak to me when I want to hear from Him. It is His prerogative whether or not He speaks to us. Even when He is silent we should have the comfort of knowing that He desires what is best for us. Listening for Him with rapt attention and focus is a reasonable demand that He makes on us. If we find silence from the world and ourselves, His whispers are plenty loud.

For those that die young, God calls them to be with Him for eternity, after a short life of suffering. To us it may seem unjust, but perhaps they are lucky and remain innocent. Everyone must die, so an early death is no worse than dying at the end of a long life. It may not be fair for one to have 8 years to decide to accept Christ as opposed to 80 years, but both technically have the same opportunity, in theory.

Knowing is only Half the Battle

I spent a great deal of time outlining reasonable beliefs about God recently. I still spent far more time sleeping or trying to sleep, but I have finally reengaged with the age old question: Why am I here?

Towards the end of dinner, eating a sopaipilla for the first time, Amber marked that perhaps not caring wouldn't be so bad. I forget the context exactly, but my response was that apathy is not a path I wish I had gone down. It's by far the easiest way to get through life, but there's very little living involved. 

Perhaps correlation does not imply causation; maybe I'm just a lazy person. I worked harder, loved music and my family more, and slept better at night back when I had a relationship with God, whatever it was. I also have learned that the world and people are a lot uglier than I thought. But Amber asked me a good question: What do I expect life with Christ to be like, compared to now?

I expect His love to be transformative. I hope to rely on a strength greater than my own to live the life He calls me to. I want to feel like I've been made new.

But I want to come to God on my own terms. I want to be convinced of His perfection through reason; to believe that my need for Him is necessary by design. I don't like feeling that I need Him because I don't feel well, or because I selfishly desire something in my life. Faith shouldn't be a crutch for weakness. That it is more reassuring to believe in a benevolent god than not is no reason for belief.

The key thing that distinguishes Christianity from other religions is Christ. What matters is whether Jesus was who He said He was and did what He said He did. The evidence we have to determine whether the Bible is True is the Bible itself, along with what we observe in Nature and ourselves. God can also talk to us through special or direct revelation, but they seem reserved to those who already believe and follow Him.

As this post is becoming unwieldy, I will outline my thoughts in a separate post. But assuming Christianity's explanation of salvation makes logical sense to me, I find myself in a familiar spot. How do I believe? I think what frustrated me before was the lack of any feelings of affirmation. It felt like I would ask God for guidance and not hear anything. Why play games? I didn't expect the clouds to part and a mighty voice accompanied by trumpets. But whispered riddles are not a very effective way to communicate.

Knowing how Christianity works has never been the problem for me. People aren't atheists and agnostics and Muslims and Hindus because they can't comprehend Christianity. They choose to believe in something else.

Unpacking My Time Home

I would be lying if I said that my time home hasn't been cathartic. I've been here for a long time, which is unfortunate, but I needed to take some time to reflect and get my head back on straight. It's taken me long enough to even write something new here. I do want to blog a lot more often. Writing is my strength and it's how I like to express myself. So before I head to bed, I'm gonna just piece something together. Because a lot has been on my mind lately.

Martha and I hammered out an agreement, with help from Dad, and that's a huge step towards recovering our relationship. I've also had a few heart to heart talks with Mom in the wee hours of the morning. I think I had just given up on our relationship a while ago, and I had forgotten why. So there's still so much that we don't see eye to eye on, but it's a start.

I also was happy to be able to visit Chris down at LSU a few weeks back. We played games and just hung out. His roommates are awesome Brazilians. I met Perla and she is lovely. It's comforting that he has good people around to help keep him in line when he needs it. Paper Mario is one of my favorite games of all time, and I got pretty far in The Thousand Year Door by 17 hours, when I had to leave.

Amber has been patiently helping me try to regain my sanity and my faith, and I love the time I get to spend with her. I felt like our friendship grew as the result of real quality time. I feel safe opening up to her. As I get older, I realize that there's no reason to not be yourself around people. Real connection requires vulnerability. And Amber is one of my dearest friends who I am comfortable with being myself around.

When I had to go to Washington DC for my Visa, I was lucky enough to have time to see the Smithsonian again. I went with Mom in '07 and loved it. My cousin Abby was gracious enough to allow me to stay with her and her husband, Kenny. The metro made me nauseous but I was able to buy 3 posters for my room back in Vienna, and Trey even came down for dinner where I tried rabbit and delicious Belgian beer.

Allergies suck but I guess this spring has been a time of renewal in many ways. Hopefully my blog will have new life, as well.