I want to be proud of myself. Frankly, I'm not happy with who I am as a person, and I believe that I would be wrong to be satisfied with myself.
There are two different kinds of pride: negatively, being proud means arrogantly overvaluing your own self-worth; positively, being proud is feeling satisfaction from your own or others' actions, or rather, the effort that went into said actions. Achieving great things is the most rewarding when we know that we tried our best. We realize that by pushing ourselves, we have overcome obstacles, succeeded in meeting the goal we set out to accomplish, and ultimately have grown as a human being.
I have ceased to strive for greatness in my life. I became complacent and lazy. And naturally I did not achieve great things. I settled for less than I have to give, and soon I was mediocre and I knew it. I resented what I had become, but I didn't have the courage to truly change myself.
Afraid of failure, I didn't push myself. I lowered my expectations. I sought for joy in mostly all the wrong places. The friendships I have built are undoubtedly the most meaningful things in this part of my life. I am proud of who I am as a friend. But my relationships with others has very little to do with my relationship with myself. Man's actions towards other people have nothing to do with his purpose for being. And how could I be the best brother, son, uncle, and friend that I can possibly be if I am not the best me - the best Austin Stevens - that I can possibly be?
Fear led to apathy. It was a defense mechanism. If I didn't care, mediocrity couldn't hurt. But mediocrity is unfulfilling and boring and crippling. Inertia works both ways: it can help carry you forward through momentum, or it can make attempts at self-improvement a Sisyphean task. Apathy is the enemy of life. To live we must take ownership of all we do, and that necessitates Pride and Shame.
I know it will be hard to unlearn all the bad habits and overcome my apathy and laziness. I love making lists, but no 5 or 10 step plan is going to have much of an impact without internal strength. Making choices as to who you want to become is not a simple matter of writing them down after reflection.
For now, this is what I wish to make my motto: Always be doing something that you love. There is never a moment when you shouldn't be investing in yourself.
If I can live that idea out in my life, I am sure that I will be able to take pride in who I am again.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Dissatisfaction
I keep hoping that I have finally reached a turning point in my life and I will find the purpose which will drive me to make something of myself. I'm giving up Facebok. I thought about changing my email and getting rid of my YouTube account. Martha is gifting me a (practically) new computer and old iPhone. I've only been in Boulder, by myself, for less than a year. And I have only been working at my job for close to two months. This is clearly a big time of change for me.
I have struggled for years to ignite my life's passion again. I know the things that I love. My expectation of instant gratification and my short attention span certainly don't help me realize that true satisfaction comes from hard work. Thank God for the fun, inspiring times, but a great deal of any successful career is diligent practice of necessary techniques and concepts needed to excel. Practice can be an artform, but it's not real art. It's a means to an end. For me, playing scales is about as far from a creative act as writing out arithmetic on a blackboard.
However, my knowledge that any good thing requires work has not actually increased my work ethic. The result of attaining a worthy goal down the road rarely proves to be more attractive than all the fun things I could be doing instead. I think the power of all those distractions finds root in a constant appetite for entertainment. But in the end, entertainment is cheap, and like eating only junk food, it will lead to an unhealthy life if consumed excessively.
In most first world nations we face an ironic problem. The overabundance of choices (combined with a startlingly ruthless consumer culture) leaves us overwhelmed and things begin to lose meaning as we lose our perspective on the world. Today, so many things compete for our attention that we focus on how these products can improve our lives immediately. "This will save you time" or "there's an app for that." But things that require no effort have little value, regardless of utility. As the fox from The Little Prince says, "It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important." That's why handmade gifts generally hold more value than store-bought gifts.
I have placed the easy distractions of YouTube and Facebook at the center of my life. And so at last I experience something more strongly than ever before in my life: ennui. There have been times which I would describe as existential crises. I lose all desire to do anything; I feel as if life itself is futile and empty of real meaning. Looking at those times objectively, I think that for me they are precursors to times of growth. But now even the internet, the embodiment of entertainment, has lost its appeal. When I don't even want to watch YouTube videos, something is going on.
You clearly get what you put into life. And lately I have been coasting, not really trying to live actively or better myself. It was too much work and I settled for being comfortable. But just as I have become dissatisfied with eating pasta every other day, I have been longing for a more meaningful life for a long time. I know there is more to life than what I am experiencing.
Borrowing another idea from The Little Prince, it takes time and effort to tame something. But it is the things we care enough to tame that fills our lives with beauty. The stars are special for the little prince because he knew that somewhere was his flower. Work is not fun or appealing, but "I must endure the presence of a few caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies.”
I have struggled for years to ignite my life's passion again. I know the things that I love. My expectation of instant gratification and my short attention span certainly don't help me realize that true satisfaction comes from hard work. Thank God for the fun, inspiring times, but a great deal of any successful career is diligent practice of necessary techniques and concepts needed to excel. Practice can be an artform, but it's not real art. It's a means to an end. For me, playing scales is about as far from a creative act as writing out arithmetic on a blackboard.
However, my knowledge that any good thing requires work has not actually increased my work ethic. The result of attaining a worthy goal down the road rarely proves to be more attractive than all the fun things I could be doing instead. I think the power of all those distractions finds root in a constant appetite for entertainment. But in the end, entertainment is cheap, and like eating only junk food, it will lead to an unhealthy life if consumed excessively.
In most first world nations we face an ironic problem. The overabundance of choices (combined with a startlingly ruthless consumer culture) leaves us overwhelmed and things begin to lose meaning as we lose our perspective on the world. Today, so many things compete for our attention that we focus on how these products can improve our lives immediately. "This will save you time" or "there's an app for that." But things that require no effort have little value, regardless of utility. As the fox from The Little Prince says, "It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important." That's why handmade gifts generally hold more value than store-bought gifts.
I have placed the easy distractions of YouTube and Facebook at the center of my life. And so at last I experience something more strongly than ever before in my life: ennui. There have been times which I would describe as existential crises. I lose all desire to do anything; I feel as if life itself is futile and empty of real meaning. Looking at those times objectively, I think that for me they are precursors to times of growth. But now even the internet, the embodiment of entertainment, has lost its appeal. When I don't even want to watch YouTube videos, something is going on.
You clearly get what you put into life. And lately I have been coasting, not really trying to live actively or better myself. It was too much work and I settled for being comfortable. But just as I have become dissatisfied with eating pasta every other day, I have been longing for a more meaningful life for a long time. I know there is more to life than what I am experiencing.
Borrowing another idea from The Little Prince, it takes time and effort to tame something. But it is the things we care enough to tame that fills our lives with beauty. The stars are special for the little prince because he knew that somewhere was his flower. Work is not fun or appealing, but "I must endure the presence of a few caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies.”
Saturday, July 6, 2013
The end of the Facebook era
I decided to finally remove myself from Facebook and deactivate my account. My last day will be August 3, the same day that I joined FB 7 years ago. I'm not sure what exactly is compelling me to leave other than a general wish for a simple life. It has been a huge distraction but also a great blessing, and I know I will miss seeing what friends are up to and being inspired by their comments and posted links. Part of me thinks that I'm just isolating myself for no good reason, and that - though of course FB is no substitute for real relationships - I will abandon the last lifeline of many of my old friendships.
It's hard to explain my thought processes without appearing to totally contradict myself on several points. So let me say right at the beginning that I am aware that I am of two minds, and as much as the romantic in me is hamming it up, if I find that the decision I have come to is wrong for me, I will simply reactivate FB in the future. I am preparing as if these are my final weeks on FB, because it is an important decision and shouldn't be taken lightly. I want to give this part of my life an appropriate end.
Being who I am, though I have long thought about leaving the FB world, I never could because in my mind, the things I might gain weren't as important as what I would lose. I already have realized that while nothing is wrong with waxing nostalgic about old times, friends lose touch and drift apart. This is natural and good. Time spent dwelling on the past, or even worse, the 'what-ifs?' take you away from the present. I didn't ever talk with at over half my friends list (I had close to 700 friends at one time on FB) but I didn't want to unfriend them out of respect for our former friendships. I hoped that maybe one day things might continue just as they had been. But given enough time, both parties change into new people who are at different parts of their lives.
So I let people go. My newsfeed (I can actually remember when FB didn't have any feeds. I always regret not documenting all the evolutionary stages of FB) became much less cluttered. And I found out that, though it should come as no surprise, I cannot remember most of the people I unfriended. I had simply accepted what had already happened in real life.
I thought that with a much more manageable group of friends FB would become more meaningful. It would remain the easiest way to stay in touch with those friends I would actually take the time to communicate with. FB was (and is) all about sharing funny and serious stories, thoughts, and life events. And pictures really are worth a thousand words! I would show my support or amusement or admiration by liking statuses. I could read interesting articles friends would post to actually learn something about the world I lived in. I tried to be as snarky as I could be in every comment I wrote.
Not to say that all the little comments we leave each other on posts and pictures are insignificant, but I began to think that they weren't what the great friendships in my life had been based on. Ironically, being constantly 'in touch' makes it harder to sit down and communicate on a deeper level than bite sized remarks.
People make choices every day as to what they will do with their time and energy. If my friends want to talk with me, there are several other ways they can contact me: e-mail, text, skype, and even through this blog. I want to start writing letters again. But my final point for this post is simply the fact that we hear from people who choose to put effort into the relationship. When I deactivate, how many messages and wall posts will I miss out on? That's the real cost I have to consider. Though honestly, what I will likely miss the most is seeing pictures.
Actually, that's not quite true. The real cost is the entire group of friends I care enough about to want to see how their lives are going, but who I don't / can't e-mail, text, or skype with on a regular basis. When I wonder about them, I will regret deactivating.
It's hard to explain my thought processes without appearing to totally contradict myself on several points. So let me say right at the beginning that I am aware that I am of two minds, and as much as the romantic in me is hamming it up, if I find that the decision I have come to is wrong for me, I will simply reactivate FB in the future. I am preparing as if these are my final weeks on FB, because it is an important decision and shouldn't be taken lightly. I want to give this part of my life an appropriate end.
Being who I am, though I have long thought about leaving the FB world, I never could because in my mind, the things I might gain weren't as important as what I would lose. I already have realized that while nothing is wrong with waxing nostalgic about old times, friends lose touch and drift apart. This is natural and good. Time spent dwelling on the past, or even worse, the 'what-ifs?' take you away from the present. I didn't ever talk with at over half my friends list (I had close to 700 friends at one time on FB) but I didn't want to unfriend them out of respect for our former friendships. I hoped that maybe one day things might continue just as they had been. But given enough time, both parties change into new people who are at different parts of their lives.
So I let people go. My newsfeed (I can actually remember when FB didn't have any feeds. I always regret not documenting all the evolutionary stages of FB) became much less cluttered. And I found out that, though it should come as no surprise, I cannot remember most of the people I unfriended. I had simply accepted what had already happened in real life.
I thought that with a much more manageable group of friends FB would become more meaningful. It would remain the easiest way to stay in touch with those friends I would actually take the time to communicate with. FB was (and is) all about sharing funny and serious stories, thoughts, and life events. And pictures really are worth a thousand words! I would show my support or amusement or admiration by liking statuses. I could read interesting articles friends would post to actually learn something about the world I lived in. I tried to be as snarky as I could be in every comment I wrote.
Not to say that all the little comments we leave each other on posts and pictures are insignificant, but I began to think that they weren't what the great friendships in my life had been based on. Ironically, being constantly 'in touch' makes it harder to sit down and communicate on a deeper level than bite sized remarks.
People make choices every day as to what they will do with their time and energy. If my friends want to talk with me, there are several other ways they can contact me: e-mail, text, skype, and even through this blog. I want to start writing letters again. But my final point for this post is simply the fact that we hear from people who choose to put effort into the relationship. When I deactivate, how many messages and wall posts will I miss out on? That's the real cost I have to consider. Though honestly, what I will likely miss the most is seeing pictures.
Actually, that's not quite true. The real cost is the entire group of friends I care enough about to want to see how their lives are going, but who I don't / can't e-mail, text, or skype with on a regular basis. When I wonder about them, I will regret deactivating.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Gedanken
I think that I've finally come to the end of my rope. Somehow I've managed just enough of a semblance of responsibility to have not destroyed myself with idleness. I think on some level that I needed to feel the danger of losing all that I've worked for, at least musically. For the majority of this summer so far I have hardly been able to play the violin. What I've let myself become is a mediocre player and uninspired person. I'm like an addict looking for his next kick, drowning in what is ultimately amusement and fluff. But you can't get the true, exhilarating joy of success without slow, dedicated work. There is no substitute for hard work.
I have doubted myself countless times in the past few years, wondering if I'm doing the right thing devoting my life to music when it seems that I never want to work at it. Maybe I'm not a true musician, and just meant to be a music lover. But when I get my act together and prepare and I perform well, I know that's what I want to do with my life. That's why I dislike concertos so much. They are good for learning advanced techniques, but I'm not a solo performer so why should I prepare pieces which I will never perform? I am so disappointed that my piano trio is not going to continue this year. I am very happy that Rachel was offerred a job, of course, but I will miss that chamber experience. Hopefully Robbie and I will find others and form a new ensemble.
A very real problem for me is that, however practical I would like myself to be, I am an impulsive person. If I don't feel like doing something, I will put it off. It's so difficult to put off immediant happiness in the attempt to secure future happiness. For whatever reason I do much better when work is it's own, defined space. I get ready, I clock in, I am in work mode. I work hard and I take pride in being the best employee that I can be. I clock out and feel accomplished. I don't have a systemized way to prepare and get into a work mode for practicing. I want to want to practice. I certainly feel guilty when I don't practice. But the closer I get to my violin, the weaker my drive to practice becomes. Until I practice for at least 15 minutes, I would rather be wasting time doing anything else. It's a psychological block that I can't explain and have struggled to deal with.
I know I suffer from first world problems. It's frustratingly hard to save up money for the future, and I'm already sick of worrying about buying a 6-pack or going out to eat. But I don't want to be in the same position I'm in in 5 or even 2 years. And that's with the addition of taking on my own health insurance and rent. I want to be a strong, independent, black woman. Wait, what? I've clearly been watching too much AttackingTucans (and Lucahjin).
But beyond work from a financial perspective, I think a main, underlying factor in my general unhappiness is the lack of purpose in my life. Of course, we should work to live, not vice versa. It's been too long since I've thought about religion and having God in my life. As I work to be a better person, I have to return to God in some way. I don't think I've ever explicitly denied the existence of God but He hasn't been in my life for some time. I was thinking that if asked, I might not associate myself with Christianity. I try to be a good person, of course, and my fundamental Christian upbringing is still present in how I think about things, when I take the time to think.
I don't want my religion to be a simple crutch because I don't have the inner strength to form my own purpose of being. I haven't returned to Christ because I think it's cheap to use God as a philosophical band-aid to messily wrap up anything troublesome that I don't understand. My relationship with God should form the core of my being. But that means grappling with my doubts head on. I could never wrap my head around Faith, and I never felt comfortable accepting the fact that Faith isn't something to be fully comprehended. I hope I have spent enough time in the desert wandering around aimlessly. It's time to find the promised land.
I have doubted myself countless times in the past few years, wondering if I'm doing the right thing devoting my life to music when it seems that I never want to work at it. Maybe I'm not a true musician, and just meant to be a music lover. But when I get my act together and prepare and I perform well, I know that's what I want to do with my life. That's why I dislike concertos so much. They are good for learning advanced techniques, but I'm not a solo performer so why should I prepare pieces which I will never perform? I am so disappointed that my piano trio is not going to continue this year. I am very happy that Rachel was offerred a job, of course, but I will miss that chamber experience. Hopefully Robbie and I will find others and form a new ensemble.
A very real problem for me is that, however practical I would like myself to be, I am an impulsive person. If I don't feel like doing something, I will put it off. It's so difficult to put off immediant happiness in the attempt to secure future happiness. For whatever reason I do much better when work is it's own, defined space. I get ready, I clock in, I am in work mode. I work hard and I take pride in being the best employee that I can be. I clock out and feel accomplished. I don't have a systemized way to prepare and get into a work mode for practicing. I want to want to practice. I certainly feel guilty when I don't practice. But the closer I get to my violin, the weaker my drive to practice becomes. Until I practice for at least 15 minutes, I would rather be wasting time doing anything else. It's a psychological block that I can't explain and have struggled to deal with.
I know I suffer from first world problems. It's frustratingly hard to save up money for the future, and I'm already sick of worrying about buying a 6-pack or going out to eat. But I don't want to be in the same position I'm in in 5 or even 2 years. And that's with the addition of taking on my own health insurance and rent. I want to be a strong, independent, black woman. Wait, what? I've clearly been watching too much AttackingTucans (and Lucahjin).
But beyond work from a financial perspective, I think a main, underlying factor in my general unhappiness is the lack of purpose in my life. Of course, we should work to live, not vice versa. It's been too long since I've thought about religion and having God in my life. As I work to be a better person, I have to return to God in some way. I don't think I've ever explicitly denied the existence of God but He hasn't been in my life for some time. I was thinking that if asked, I might not associate myself with Christianity. I try to be a good person, of course, and my fundamental Christian upbringing is still present in how I think about things, when I take the time to think.
I don't want my religion to be a simple crutch because I don't have the inner strength to form my own purpose of being. I haven't returned to Christ because I think it's cheap to use God as a philosophical band-aid to messily wrap up anything troublesome that I don't understand. My relationship with God should form the core of my being. But that means grappling with my doubts head on. I could never wrap my head around Faith, and I never felt comfortable accepting the fact that Faith isn't something to be fully comprehended. I hope I have spent enough time in the desert wandering around aimlessly. It's time to find the promised land.
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