Summer and a New Initiative

I am upset that I have not been blogging regularly and have not edited and posted any of my pictures from my time in Prague with Trey and Shelby. I had a wonderful time catching up with them, and then I got to play both host and tourist in Wien when Trey came for a few days. I only wish that he was able to see the opera, but there is no music here in July, unfortunately. That trip was the highlight of an otherwise boring and slothful summer. I hardly practiced at all, and rarely even left my apartment. YouTube and 3 great games (Don't Starve, Dungeon of the Endless, and Heroes of the Storm) have dominated my life for the past 2 months, and I have fell back into my bad habits and sleep schedule.

Before my life spirals out of control I have to make a stand. I hope to actually make a physical checklist of 8 things I must try to do each day (less on Sundays). My schedules in the past have never worked so I have to do all I can to enforce new, positive rules until hopefully they become habits. Along with this checklist I will need to reach out to friends and family for more support. If I look to God for direction first I trust that I will find new strength from the firm ground.

Every day I will strive to:

Read my devotional

Read a Bible chapter and pray

Practice violin 4 hours

Study 1 violin exercise (of 300) from 'Basics' by Simon Fischer

Study German

Write something here in this blog

Talk to a friend or call home

Take a picture or record a video

Sundays I will go to Church, and on the weekends I will go see a concert or visit a museum or just spend time out in the city.

And, not to lose focus and put the cart in front of the horse, if I am successful I will buy myself a birthday present of a new computer or a new camera. Today is an exception, but ideally I will keep my computer off during the day except to study German and will blog at 10, when I have to stop practicing. Then I will allow myself some time to talk to friends, play some games, and watch a few videos. My sleep schedule is horrible but I must start to work to get to bed at a reasonable hour.

The struggle seems eternal, but every day brings a new hope. 

Nina Visits!

Nina finally came to visit (I have been looking forward to hanging out and showing her around Vienna since she confirmed her huge backpacking trip across Europe) and it's been wonderful going out and seeing cool things with her. I don't generally go out mainly because Vienna isn't a cheap town and things like museums and eating out really adds up quickly. So I hope I did a good job as a host, given that the only things I really know about are museums and the opera and Musikverein. The museums are expensive, so we chose to see the Belvedere. They have a special exhibit about the Vienna Congress in the Lower Belvedere so I want to go see that later. Nina is one to walk around and experience more of a city. I love doing the same, but first I will find all the art museums with a good reputation in the area.

Yesterday we walked around and saw a lot of things in the first district, plus the Belvedere. When she first arrived at Westbahnhof, I wasn't sure where her bus / shuttle would drop her off, but she found me once she got in. It's really cool how they have totally redone both Landstrasse (Wien Mitte) and Westbahnhof into malls. It was getting later after we dropped her bag and violin off at my place and talked about what she wanted to see while she was here. Unfortunately, the first two places, near and at the Naschmarkt, had closed their kitchens. The bartender at Franz, the place Barbara's studio goes to following Klassenabend, pointed us towards Beograd. I had eaten there before when Carolyn's parents were in town, and it's a great Serbian restaurant open late. The food was fantastic. The Ubahn had stopped running so we ordered an Uber, which I did not know existed outside of the US.

We had breakfast at Cafe Central, which I think is the most iconic Viennese cafe. Then we walked to Stephansplatz to see the Dom, where we walked up the South tower. It is no small climb, but the view is lovely. Then I suggested we start at Votivkirche by the University and walk around the Ring. Also, I remembered that there is a Beethoven house nearby. As luck would have it, I think the church is still under construction and we just arrived at Beethoven's house at their lunch hour. I felt really bad. We walked to the Rathaus where we happened upon a big Pride festival. It was still early in the afternoon so no one was there yet. Before we took the tram down to the Belvedere I thought it'd be nice to pop in to see the Austrian National Library, which was the model for the library in Beauty and the Beast, fun fact. I forgot that the entrance was in the back of the Hofburg, but we found it eventually. 

I love the Belvedere and after the KHM will go there the most of any museum (and only because I have a year card at KHM). I was disappointed that the Napoleon Crossing the Alps, by David, was moved to the Lower Belvedere for the exhibit I mentioned earlier. Our feet were starting to hurt so I think we walked through the museum at a fair clip, but we did see everything. After that we found a small Hungarian place a friend had recommended near the Graben, called Ilona Stuberl, where the goulash was really good. Then we headed over to stand in line for Stehplatz at the Staatsoper. Rigoletto was sold out, so I was worried it would be busy, and it was. We got there around 5:15, so more than an hour and a half early, and the line was already way out the door, which I have never seen. In the summer there must be a lot of tourists. I guess fortunately some guys (maybe they would be considered scalpers?) offered us tickets and since our feet were so tired and I was fairly sure we would not get Parterre, we decided to buy them and use the time to go eat Sacher Torte at Hotel Sacher across the street. I was disappointed that we couldn't move seats (we saw the ushers actually check and ask people to move) because the opera was excellent and we could only see half the stage. I wasn't sold on the set design, but they lowered an entire room from the rafters, which was visually impressive. Despite the crappy seats I loved the opera (I can't help but think that Gilda was stupid. I think any crazy twist that relies on the power of love needs to be set up very carefully in order to be believable.) and also was surprised to learn La Donna e mobile is from this opera. It has such a sad connotation once you know the context of why it's important in the opera.

Today was a lot more relaxed, and Nina asked to explore another part of the city besides the touristy center / 1st district. We slept in and got an early lunch at one of the beer gardens in the Prater. Then I figured we would start at the Kunst Haus Wien (Hundertwasser Haus) and work our way north to Grinzing. I love Hundertwasser and was glad that Nina really liked it as well. It's really a place anyone who loves Boulder would be attracted to. An extra bonus was the photography exhibit upstairs by Rinko Kawauchi, which was incredible. I ended up buying a print by Hundertwasser that I am excited about, though at 45 Euro it was a little steep. We skipped the Schubert birth house museum and went straight to the cemetery in Grinzing, where Mahler is buried. If you keep going North by bus eventually there is a beautiful view of the city, but I saw that the church at the top was closed. Nina would have preferred to wander the district, which is charming. The Beethoven house up in Heiligenstadt was nothing short of underwhelming. Just two small rooms with not a lot of interest. I wish we had been able to go to the house by the Uni! But down the street was a highly recommended Heuriger, Mayer am Pfarrplatz. It must be popular since many of the tables were reserved for later, but since we got there early enough there was plenty of room. We enjoyed some wine and ordered plenty of food at the buffet. I wanted to have Nina try a variety of meats and cheeses and spreads like heurigers are known for. Ordering the Bratwurst, Kraut, and potato dish was probably too much, but I ate almost everything. I'm still full now, 5 hours later.

Luckily for the length of this post we decided to come back to my place where Nina practiced for a bit in preparation for her 2 week long festival in Italy a little later. There's so much to do in Vienna but I hope that I gave the city its best chance to shine. I'm so glad Nina came to visit and I got a chance to see a lot of things that I wouldn't normally feel like I could justify. It's been a blast and definitely the highlight of my summer so far.

College Student Mentality

For the past several years I've slowly lost my way. I have no dreams, no ambition, no drive. I guess technically I have dreams but they aren't real to me. The idea of my being a professional musician and being happy is so far off that it has no bearing on my life in the present. And for college, that's not an unusual situation to find yourself in, I think. But I'm losing my mind because I don't know what I'm doing with it. I don't want to be that guy that had every opportunity he could have asked for who didn't do anything with his life.

As I grow older there are a few things that I really miss about college, particularly undergrad. I miss the community of friends I surrounded myself with. And the ability to spend quality time with people on a regular basis. Although I regret that I didn't take advantage of the opportunities to learn more, looking back I am mostly okay with my priorities. Friends come first.

Then we graduated and grew up. And I worry that my friends have left me behind as they found their way to bigger and better things. I am happy for them, but so unsure of myself. Not only have I not found success like a job or a serious, stable relationship, I don't even know if I'm on the right track. My friends all have higher degrees and / or jobs, and many are married, and some have beautiful children, and they have pets and are looking for new houses and they have built a life for themselves. And all I have is them, except not anymore. For a long time I was scared of losing my friends, until I came to see that people have all sorts of roles to play in your life, and that what's important isn't how long you know someone but how well you know them.

I know that I still have friends, they are just far away and busy living their own lives. I have to stop trying to find validation by being someone special to somebody. Right before I moved back to Vienna I had a literal come-to-Jesus moment. I felt God's love for me in an overwhelming and wonderful way. God doesn't love me any less today than a month ago. Why do I not find incredible strength, assurance, and joy in knowing that He is sufficient for my needs? Why am I looking for validation anywhere else? Why do I still feel completely lost?

The answer seems so obvious as I finish this post. If I'm not spending time with God, I can't say that I truly am listening for His voice. In a weird way, my laziness and other weaknesses simply confirm that I need to depend on God. If I let it, God's love is enough.

YouTube

So I decided that if I am going to vlog I needed a new camera because my current camera has underwhelming video quality. I bought it 5 years ago (and it was not a new model. I always wait for a newer model to come out when the price will drop) and it was a serious upgrade for still photography. I have taken some videos with it and will be testing out some video editors to see what works for me. The camera I ordered is a used Canon Powershot S100. I really want to upgrade my camera and keep using my lenses, but compact cameras are much more convenient for travel vlogs.

I'm really excited to start making videos. I hope it keeps me from sitting around watching YouTube videos and I have plenty of ideas for what I want to record. I wish I had a cello or some kind of bass instrument so that I could record quartets and make covers. Not that I know what I would cover, considering I have bought approximately 6 albums in the last 3 years. Let's just say that I have been introduced to more than one hit single via Weird Al. But having a 2nd instrument (particularly with a lower register) would be very cool.

My camera should arrive by Thursday, and hopefully by then I'll have a working understanding of video editing. I think people back home will enjoy seeing Vienna. I bought a Michelin guide for all of Austria, so I have plenty to explore and lots of experiences to share. In preparation I should also get back to studying German. I want to make videos about my learning process, but I have to work out the best format. Right now I'm just using Rosetta Stone and I have several books to translate. Reading German sentences poorly for the camera will likely be included. I apologize to my German teachers, I just forget everything so quickly. There's plenty to read around the city, too.

Yesterday I went to one of the conservatories where a friend had booked a room / small hall where we could run through pieces for each other. I sounded bad but it was the first time I had played the Kreisler (Recitativo and Scherzo) in front of anyone, from memory. Only 3 of us came today, but we are all trying to get together hopefully weekly, kind of like a studio class. I'm glad I went, because live performances tell you exactly where you stand. I have a lot to work on but I'm starting to be satisfied with my progress. Consistency has always been my problem, though. If I do well on my lesson, which I think is on Monday, I will probably play in our Klassenabend, or class recital, on Thursday. Luckily it's a solo piece so I don't have to worry about playing with piano.

Before I go I want to share this piano piece, Ballade by John Ireland, that I heard yesterday. Piano repertoire is not something I have explored much, which I would like to change. I'm thinking I'd like to have a piece of the week that I can listen to and reflect on and maybe study. Then I could justify buying new scores.

Reaching Adulthood

I am not what I would have called a "high-functioning person" until I realized that that description is typically associated with disorders like autism. What I mean is that I do not naturally focus on being productive. I'm not responsible in a way where I get things done ahead of time. Planning and organization are at the mercy of my mood. Paperwork, or anything requiring human interaction, genuinely makes me anxious. So all the documents I had to gather and submit for my residence permit, in a country where I don't speak the language, was nerve-wracking and I'm proud of myself for getting it done.

Over the past several years I have learned about different strategies for organizing my life. But I am constantly disappointed with my failure to implement them. I know I function best in a structured environment (private high school, my jobs in the restaurant industry); a healthy diet and a regular 8 hours of sleep go a long way towards mental acuity and energy; even though I am not a morning person, having a morning work session will allow me to double my practice time safely; since I can't have a separate work space from my private space having set work hours is very important to get in the right state of mind; recording myself gives me feedback and really raises my standards and awareness; and if possible, I would really benefit from some sort of practice partner to hold me accountable.

Good habits have to supplant bad ones; setting up smaller goals should give me direction; shutting down distractions will help me focus; the feeling of accomplishment must be addictive and replace fear as the driving force of my life; success has to become a lifestyle. This shift in attitude will take time, and I do have to be patient. But many days I feel so lazy, and I wonder if I have what it takes to be a musician, and I feel like my life has no direction.

God is the answer. I don't even know what that means, in a practical sense. But I know that I am broken and so helpless. My terrible work ethic and crippling procrastination have underscored just how poor I am at directing my own life. It's likely that if I were a more driven, independent adult I would think that I don't need God. In my pride I want to be autonomous. God is just my cool invisible friend that gives me advice, but only when I ask for it, and at the end of the day I make all the decisions concerning my own life. I want God to let me be myself, and I want to have it within myself to be the best me I can dream of. I hate the idea that God is a crutch for the weak.

But it's not really like that. If we let Him, God walks beside us. He leads us, and if we can learn to trust in Him, we don't have to worry. We aren't puppets where every choice is simply between God's way and the wrong way. Everyone is weak, but God gives us His strength to do the things He's called us to do. We have real free will, and the choices we make are our own. We're not His equals, but we are His children. The real changes that I seek start from the belief that God will give me the strength to be the man He's called me to be.

NHM and KHM

Since my lesson yesterday went decently I decided to take it easy today. After dinner I'll probably practice double stops for an hour, because 10 years of neglect means that I basically can't play double stops. For orchestral work it may not be the most important, but I at least need to be able to play the right concertos for auditions. I typically don't like playing concertos and have avoided showpieces, in part because I knew my double stops were inadequate, but I am really enjoying learning Recitativo and Scherzo by Kreisler. Hopefully I can get my double stops up to par quickly because I am getting close to performance ready. It's exciting, because it's been so long since I've performed anything. I have been letting myself get by with such low expectations of mediocrity, and I am glad that even just starting to practice a few hours a day regularly has already yielded results.

Anyway, what I did today, after missing the bus to church, was go to the Natural History Museum and the Art History Museum. I've been to the Kunsthistorisches Museum once or twice since I've been back, but I have been wanting to go the Naturhistorisches Museum since I went to the Smithsonian. Oh that reminds me! I picked up my posters from the post office several days ago. I guess it was for customs or something ("Import Duty") but I had to pay 97 Euros. It only cost me $55 to mail it Express, and it took 3 weeks. But my apartment looks much nicer with art on the walls. My next task is to go to a framers who hopefully speak English and get my print I commissioned Rachel P. to make framed.

The NHM is seriously one of the best museums in the world. I think that of the museums I've been to the National Gallery of Art is the best, even though the KHM is bigger and has some excellent exhibits pass through. But I couldn't help be feel a little disappointed or underwhelmed when I went back to the Natural History Museum at the Smithsonian. The NHM has one of, if not the, biggest collections of rocks, minerals, and meteorites in the world. I know my mother will love those rooms. The Venus of Willandorf is there. I think of Chris when I see all the insects, since he is big into Entomology. But the best part is upstairs where there are rooms and rooms of preserved fish, birds, and mammals. The fish are mostly bones I think but this museum is a taxidermists dream. I found some rooms about the taxidermy process and history that I hadn't seen before. I think the birds are especially beautifully preserved. There was also an absolutely inspired collection of photographs of American Bison.

My feet hurt after a few hours but I decided that since I have a year pass I can never miss an opportunity to pop into the KHM, which stands opposite the NHM. The current Fantastic Worlds exhibit is incredible. I particularly love the engravings of Altdorfer and Wolf Huber. I'm also not sure how long the Peter Paul Rubens and Titian paintings will be there. The NHM is reasonably priced but I wish the Albertina, Leopold Museum, and Belvedere weren't so expensive. I love the art museums in this city as much as I love the music. I don't see as many concerts because it takes a bit of pre-planning. I typically go stand in line for Stehplatz at the opera at least an hour before the show, which including travel time means I have to reserve a 5 hour chunk of my day. But it's so worth it.

I seriously am getting excited about vlogging and might go buy an Austrian guidebook to make sure I see as much of Vienna and the rest of Austria as I can. I'm looking forward to going back to Prague with Trey and Shelby in July. That's as much traveling as I can afford this year, but if I do well next year there's a neverending list of places I'd love to visit. My current camera's in body stabilization is not good enough for video, unfortunately. But I never bought it for video. I'll figure something out, because I want to be sure to capture and share all I can of this beautiful place.

New Microphone For Videos

So I have spent an inordinate amount of time in the past few days thinking about making videos for a weekly vlog. I am a little daunted by learning the editing process and all the other things necessary to make a professional looking YouTube channel. It's also easy for me to dream that I'm going to spend a lot of time making videos that will get enough views to help me support myself. I know that you need at least a few thousand views daily to make any noticeable revenue. But my mind is so optimistic, and I have been wanting to get a new camera for a few years now, so my reasoning is that it's better to invest a bit bigger now with an eye towards higher quality instead of gradually upgrading in stages, which could save you hundreds in the long run. I decided to wait for that big camera upgrade until I at least was making some sort of income. I'm not really a teacher so I'm nervous to go looking for students, but I really need to start that process.

A while back I had a nice recording set up which included a CAD microphone, mic stand, and cables. I sold those to Chris because it was all too much stuff to bring with me to Austria. But now that I have my own place where I can practice, I figure I should get a new mic set up for use with my microtrack. I just bought a new Behringer B-5 condenser mic and am very excited. My current camera doesn't have a lot of flexibility in video recording, but it should be high enough quality to start.

I must be watching too many vloggers and I'm getting ahead of myself by thinking about what I need to do to become popular. I know the most successful channels are product (fashion and tech) reviews, skit comedy, vlogs, video game let's plays and reviews, cute animals, crafting, not to mention official music videos of stars, clips of tv shows, and movie and video game trailers. Vlogs are almost completely character driven. As an introvert I have spent years training myself to make sure not to say stupid things. "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt." But I think I can afford to loosen up a bit, as long as I keep in mind that everything that is posted on the internet stays there essentially forever.

I do of course want to make content that I'm proud of. I guess my audience, outside friends and family, would be the Classical music community. YouTube is an excellent resource for musicians hoping to expand their musical horizons and find new music and new (or classic) interpretations of pieces they are working on. I am honestly a little surprised with how many full opera productions are on YouTube. But I notice a big void which could have a good niche market, the practical behind the scenes work of a musician. The few I stumble across are very professional, like this one behind the scenes look at the Cleveland Orchestra's production of The Cunning Little Vixen, an opera by Janacek.

Anyway, I wrote down a list of reasons why I wanted to start a YouTube channel and what plans I have.

Why?
-To document my life abroad for myself and friends.
-To develop my humor and story telling skills, and learn to open up and love my voice.
-To present a look at an aspiring Classical musician's life in an honest and (hopefully) entertaining way.
-To motivate me to work hard at music and learning German.
-To both relax and stimulate my creativity, doing silly things after I get my work done.
-To talk through interesting ideas.
-To (maybe) make enough money to pay for a new camera and eventually help support myself.

What?
-Practice videos
-Travel / weekly vlogs
-Learn German
-Storytelling through photography
-Random internet challenges, bad improv, misc. discussions

Maybe it'll be a huge embarrassment, but I think that with reasonable expectations and focus on my passion for music it will be well worthwhile. I can better share my life in Vienna and as a musician with friends and family back home. Anything beyond that is a bonus.

The Insufficiency of Language

When I went to DC to obtain a visa at the Austrian Embassy I was fortunate enough to be able to stay with my cousin Abby and her husband Kenny. Due to various circumstances I was unable to travel to Hawaii last Christmas for our last reunion. While talking about my move abroad I remembered how difficult describing cities is for me. I love traveling and exploring, and every place has its own character. But I fail to be able to capture a place's essence in words. The same goes for people.

So I have to ask myself: Is there a problem in describing anything in a meaningful way, or am I just poor at doing so? The problems of language aside (translation, names, shifting definitions or meanings, connections to thought processes, and if our thoughts are limited by the language we have mastered, a la George Orwell's 1984) I think that meaningful description generally starts after an account of physical truths: size, shape, age, history.

Putting aside cities for a now, you know a person more and more as you progress from how they look, to what they do as a career, to what they think, to what they believe. When you know someone very well you can recognize habits and thought processes and patterns of behavior. You might be able to finish their sentences, predict how they will react to certain things, how they cope with bad news, or know if they need space or a hug. Your descriptors change from "green eyes" to "passionate about their work" or "analytical problem solver."

I have always been fascinated by tests like Myers-Briggs or the Big Five personality traits. I believe self-knowledge can go a long way towards improving your interactions with people and finding a lifestyle that makes you happy. But although understanding personality traits helps narrow down ways to describe a person, I am of course not the same as every other INTP. Our tendencies do not define us.

This brings us to a topic that I would like to delve into another time, the relationship between who we are and what we do. I view our actions as individual expressions of our character. Suffice it to say that I find that we are more than the sum of our parts, which makes true and full description impossible. I think technical language completely misses the essence of a person.

We must turn to poetry to say something with deeper meaning than surface level descriptors. The difficult thing about poetry, which makes it beautiful, is how subjective it is. The implied notion that poetic description is personalized, saying, "This is how I see you," bypasses the problematic claim that you know the person beyond the context of your relationship. People are different depending on who they are with. How I know Chris is different than how Trey knows him, and I cannot know Chris as Trey knows him because of my own bias. Poetry is rather like a Rorschach inkblot; people see what is a reflection of themselves.

Back in high school and college I made a sort of game where I wrote down descriptions of friends and tried to get them to guess which one was about them. It was a fun way that I could tell my friends how much they meant to me. I believe that you don't really know a person, or anything (like a city) until you are able to describe them in some way. If I were to create a new version of this game, I would like to use poetry rather than factual statements.

Unfortunately, I am not generally predisposed to writing poetry. Metaphors and similes take effort in crafting. I make logical connections rather than fanciful ones. That's why I am worthless at improvisation. I used to be rather inventive and imaginative. Somewhere down the line I lost those qualities, and I wish to get them back. This year I have enjoyed honing my writing skills, and I am happy with my voice in my thoughtful posts. Hopefully soon I will flex my creative muscles and return to the world of poetry.

Residence Permit

So yesterday I finally picked up my Aufenthaltsbewilligung, which was accompanied by such a sense of accomplishment after all the delays. It's a pretty red and blue card with my uninspired, emotionless portrait, just like a driver's license. And it's valid until the end of April, 2016. I hear the renewal process is much quicker, but a friend who lives in my district says he hates the local office and has unnecessary problems when he renews. But I'll find out next year.

My posters finally came but I needed 97 Euros for some baffling reason, and I didn't have enough on me so I will have to pick them up from the post office today. I will try to ask them why I am being charged when it has taken over 3 weeks for delivery. I have to find a place where I can get my print from Rachel P. framed. I'm really excited to have something to look at on the walls.

Oh! Trey is finalizing his summer plans and we talked with Shelby and decided to meet in Prague for a few days in July, since he has never been. We booked a hotel room and our train tickets. After Prague Trey is coming back to stay with me for a few days before heading off to London, I believe. Unfortunately it appears that all the orchestras and the opera take July off, but there is plenty left to see and do. I wish I had been able to find my guide books for Vienna and Germany before I left home.

I'm really excited that I will be able to see Prague again, and have Trey and Nina visit over the summer. I'm thinking I might pop over to Bratislava or down to Baden bei Wien or somewhere closeby. I need to start finding students and hopefully some paid gigs. I was just asked to play in a concert in July, although I won't be paid. As I'm not sure who will be in town over the summer I'm glad to have a few plans that I can look forward to. It might get a little lonely otherwise. The reason I am here is to practice constantly, but I don't want to lock myself in my apartment and not experience Europe to the fullest that I can.

Thoughts During Practice

I've always wanted to share some behind the scenes coverage of what it means to be a musician. Frankly, my consistency has been a problem for years which means I am still working on some basic mechanics. After several thousand repetitions I should be able to build in good habits that become automatic. Playing any instrument takes an enormous amount of focus and control. To those unfamiliar with violin technique, it is probably difficult to know what separates great players from good ones. The following is a list of questions I am going through every time I practice:

If it is an etude, what is its purpose?

If it is a piece, what do I want it to sound like? How do my musical choices affect my technical choices?

Am I playing the right notes, in tune?

Am I playing the correct rhythm, consistently?

Do I have tension in either hand, either shoulder, neck, or jaw?

Are my legs stiff or knees locked?

Is my bow on the right string at the right time, at the right angle, with the right speed and pressure for the best tone or effect?

What is the best fingering to use in a passage according to the context and intended affect desired?

Are my hands coordinated? Do my left fingers hit the strings exactly as my right hand changes bow direction?

If not, are my fingers too early or too late?

Are my string crossings at the right time and at the appropriate speed according to the music/tempo?

Is my tone beautiful? Am I engaging the string with the bow? Am I pressing too hard or not using enough bow speed?

Am I in the right part of the bow, and prepared to be in the right part of the bow for the next passage?

Is my bow articulation correct? Is the motion coming from my fingers, wrist, or arm?

Are my shifts in hand position fast enough, smooth enough, and reliably accurate?

Do I slide with my old finger and drop the new finger, or drop the new finger in the old position and slide to the new position?

Am I following the written dynamics, and other instructions in the music?

Are my double stops in tune? Does each note sound good?

For triple and quadruple stops do I break or roll them?

Do I need to bring out/emphasize a particular note, i.e. melody or bass line?

Which notes need vibrato? How much? Wide or narrow, fast or slow, wrist or arm?

If this is an ensemble work, how does my part fit in with the other parts? Are we matching styles?

Am I leading or who am I following?

Have I moved past the technical aspects in order to focus on achieving the musical goals I set out for myself in the beginning?

Can I play the entire piece in tune, in tempo, musically?

If necessary, is it memorized?

When are my rehearsals?

What can I do to get paid for doing this sooner rather than later?

Living Success

It is reasonable to claim that yesterday was my most productive day musically in 6 months. On Monday I have an appointment of sorts to finally get my residence permit. So I can say that I have put my distractions behind me and can move forward with my music as I intended. But still, even after 4 efficient hours of practicing and a decent lesson yesterday, today I did not touch my violin. Nothing I did today bears mentioning. 

As I am learning to care about things again, I know that what I am going through is a process. Honestly I think retardation is the most accurate way to describe my entire college career. I grew in some ways, but as a whole I regret all the missed opportunities to really mature. I learned how to coast, rather than excel. That my general underachievement and apathy coincide with the loss of my faith seems to me to be related. So now I have to undo years of living with low expectations, coping mechanisms, little self worth, a lack of purpose, and no vision for the future. 

I have had a good life with many blessings and opportunities, and I had my share of personal problems which I didn't handle too well. Moving forward tomorrow means acknowledging past mistakes and attempting to replace destructive habits with positive ones. That I fully understand that the satisfaction of productivity or success can be the rule rather than the exception in my life. 

Sometimes I think that being a musician is the wrong career for me to be pursuing, given that it requires such long term vision. It is embarrassingly hard for me to ignore the siren's call of instant gratification in the form of YouTube and Facebook. After all, I'm not going to be fired for not practicing today. In all of my jobs, which required me to clock in and clock out, I have been an exemplary worker. But when my job is to stay home and practice a reasonable number of hours, compared to a 9-5 job, I struggle mightily with distractions. 

I hope that it is not long before I am living like I truly believe that I can achieve my dreams. 

Feelings

I don't know how to understand my feelings. Are the feelings mine, as in I am the creator of them? I believe you have a certain amount of control over how you feel, but in general feelings just appear from your subconscious. They are your emotional reactions to the world around you or your inner thoughts.

I am easily moved to experience what might be colloquially known as "The Feels." I cried at the end of the first act of La fille du regiment, a comic opera by Donizetti. When I see videos of soldiers and/or puppies I get a little misty eyed. But I think that lately I have rediscovered a deeper layer of feeling than those which might elicit a physical response like crying. The physical response is in the gut, or the chest. And it makes me feel more alive than I have felt in many years. 

We are not on this earth to balance our checkbooks and fill our lives with nice things for their own sake. We are here to find meaning through our relationships with the world around us. I believe that our relationship with God is central to finding our life purpose and gives our lives meaning. But suddenly the question that carries the most weight for me is no longer, "Why are things the way they are?" but "How do I feel about that?" I think that my search for objective or absolute truth is being supplemented by my desire for personal truths. 

With these things in mind I find myself turning to Art as that which makes life worth living. In the most general sense Art is whatever we find a connection with that goes beyond the physical medium. Art is representational; a sculpture is not valued by the mass of its physical components but by what its form symbolizes in the viewer's mind. Whether or not Art is purely subjective is a topic for another post (I would like to maintain that there are certain objective standards that exist). We live to experience things that make us feel different ways, and hopefully they also change how we think and view the world.

The most interesting question for me at this moment is whether feelings are trustworthy. Feelings themselves are, to my mind, neither good now bad. But they might be misleading or even wrong. Either springing from faulty or incomplete information, or being a poor emotional reaction. I have been convinced before that my feelings for someone may have had more to do with my own loneliness and desire for companionship than about the person themselves. Whether they are edifying or not, feelings are what they are. But we won't know if we were right to act on a feeling until events play out. 

I hate to analyze my feelings. I'm already indecisive enough. These new feelings that I can't understand make me feel like I have been a robot and have been turned into a real boy. It's kind of scary. I suppose such feelings should be an expected result of breaking through the walls my apathy used to protect myself. Real living requires the vulnerability to feelings of fear, sadness, anger, and disappointment, but only that openness allows for exhilaration, happiness, love, and hope.

Patience

A few days before I left home Grace and Haz were over at the house. I love them very much, but after about 15 minutes on the trampoline I am exhausted. Raising kids is incredibly hard work and I don't even know the half of it, because when I watch the kids it's for a few hours and I just have to make sure they don't hurt themselves. Yet when I'm tired, my patience is tested, and it's been found wanting.

Even just a few weeks ago I would have considered myself to be patient. Don't we all think we're little islands of long-suffering, common sense, and open-mindedness in an ocean of idiots? It's like how everyone truly believes they are above-average drivers. Patience and perseverance are required for growth. In our relationships and our careers.

So I'm trying to slow things down and focus on one thing at a time. There's a time to plan for the future as well as reminisce about how we got here, but it's just as important to be fully present in the moment. As a musician I want to set aside time in my day to just listen to music. I don't have to practice 12 hours a day if I practice efficiently and with the patience to concentrate on one problem at a time. The slower you practice, in terms of material covered, the faster you learn. The faster you learn, the more material you can cover.

To me, patience in a broader sense means trust in a process. Working through the boring or difficult times with the end goal in mind. You let go of your worry of temporary failure in the hope of ultimate success. Patience is replacing anger, and annoyance, and fear, and frustration with love. It's understanding that people have other problems and that sometimes it's just not the right time for something that you want in your life. Things may not go according to your plans. As the song goes, "You can't always get what you want // But if you try sometime you might find you get what you need."

From 5000 Miles Away

There's something I find sweet about the idea of walking 1000 miles to be with someone. I really love that song. I have The Proclaimers playing on repeat right now. I was not aware that they were Scottish twins. The more you know.

Unfortunately, I live 5000 miles away from people that I love (although I'm very happy to have some great friends here in Vienna!) and it's much cheaper to fly home. Also, there's the Atlantic Ocean. So I'm sorry that I can't be stupidly romantic. There are other ways to show that I care, however, and I have to figure out what works for me.

I told Amber that it feels like I'm living two lives. I'm very divided. It's unfortunate that we can only be in one place and that every choice means the exclusion of other paths. 

It's impossible to tell where I will be after next year. Originally I was thinking of living abroad for several years if I could win an audition. I still believe my best opportunities are in Europe. But after my unanticipated return home I find that I have definitely left part of my heart there. Tennessee will always be my home. And while I may not end up settling down in Tennessee, I would love to be closer than 5000 miles away. 

Right now, I have chosen to be here. I am working to hone my craft in the hope that one day I will be able to play music that I love as a professional. And of course I love living here. But it means that I have to figure out ways to connect with and love people from 5000 miles away. It's a challenge, as I can't be in the same physical space as friends. We can't go out for a drink or eat together, or take pictures together, or hug, or just sit around and laugh at how one of your dogs is terrified of me. If I want to see anyone through Skype I have to account for a significant time difference. 

I love people by giving them my time. I don't really care what we do, as long as we're having fun. But it's not quite the same from so far apart. I'm going to leave this post open-ended, because I'm still trying to figure it out. And I know that most people of my generation are confronted with the challenge of a long distance relationship, be it family, friends, or significant others. Eventually you have to choose between returning home or making a new place your home. 

Rubik's Cube

A cellist named Charlie taught me how to solve a Rubik's cube while I was at my first summer music festival in 2002. Ah, Sewanee. So hot during the summer that I brought my own little air conditioner in 2003. That was also the year when I first watched any Monty Python. Sewanee is a lovely little place with a beautiful campus kind of in the middle of nowhere, Tennessee. It was the first of many summers spent playing soccer and ultimate frisbee, running in the rain, learning card games, making friends, and of course practicing and performing music.

I taught Bekah how to play pool. One time both legs cramped from playing soccer and Tina had to carry me home. I still miss drinking Grasshoppers (the best mint drink ever) at Stirling's coffee house. I still wear my Sewanee T-shirt to this day. I went spelunking in brand new shoes and put them through the wash. I grew to appreciate drum sticks as an old fashioned metronome. Rest in Peace, Mr. Dinkins. I'm getting really nostalgic, so I'll move on. Those were great summers, though.

Solving a Rubik's cube is easy, if all you do is look up the algorithms. Once you memorize a few patterns it loses its novelty. I probably didn't pick up a Rubik's cube again until a party at Vanderbilt where I claimed I could solve one and then realized, while being timed, that I had forgotten. When I moved back to Vienna I saw one at a store and decided to figure out new solutions on my own. After about a week or two of trial and error I narrowed it down to about 10 short algorithms. Now I use 5, and it's second nature to me.

I tell you this because my Rubik's cube is a prime example of something I do repetitively when I'm bored. There's something very comforting about the familiar. It's almost an aid to meditation for me. But it's also potentially a huge time waster. I'm looking at it now and wanting to mix it up. I look back at myself in high school and at all those music festivals and I wonder how I turned into the procrastinator that I am now. Bad habits and the instant gratification of YouTube entertainment. It's odd because at any of my jobs I was always very professional and a hard worker. So I clearly have a good work ethic. It's more difficult when the threat of being fired isn't hanging over my head.

There's nothing wrong with YouTube or Facebook, but unfortunately I've grown accustomed to a work to play ratio of about 20/80, when it should be 80/20. For some reason I have a terrible time getting excited about practicing, and I drag my feet until I have some deadline I'm afraid of missing. I know what I should be doing. I want to want to do it. I know that a good practice session is really rewarding and will make me happy, and if I don't practice I'll feel guilty and horrible. But it's like living the life I want to live is scary. Maybe it's a fear of failure. Or maybe I just hate knowing that when I start I'm going to sound bad and it'll be a struggle to get to a point where I'm happy with my progress. Either way it's easier to do nothing.

But doing nothing is a dangerous thing. It undermines your confidence. It makes you feel guilty. You don't want to read, or write, or think because it takes too much effort and having a sharp mind only brings your failure into focus. You feel insignificant, and in order to dull the pain you try to not care about things. Apathy can suck the life right out of you. It leaves you with a Rubik's cube. Something that should be fun but has become vapid through sheer repetition.

It's a slow process and old habits die hard (I just solved my cube again) but I feel much better about filling my life back up with the things I love. Writing is one thing I've found a lot of joy in, which I hope is apparent in these posts. I hope to make more of an effort to keep in touch with friends. And practicing, although I still have trouble focusing for more than a few minutes at a time, has been a lot more fun. One step at a time. Keep trying to love life a little more all the time.

Kunsthistorisches Museum

I've been trying to practice and get my sleep schedule back on track (which is not going so well, unfortunately) so I have hardly left my apartment since I have been back in Wien. Before I left, Amber asked what would be the first thing I do. I said that the first thing would be to go to a museum. That's not true since I went to the grocery store and I also bought new plates so that I have more than 2 for when visitors come. I also bought The Little Prince and East of Eden. I'm super excited for the new movie. The Little Prince is one of my favorite books of all time. I hope they leave the core of the book alone, but I am intrigued by the frame story. And I've been wanting to read East of Eden for years now.

Anyway, it was another gorgeous day so I decided to go out and see what new things were at the Kunsthistorisches Museum. I have a year pass there and trust me, I have already gotten my money's worth. I went straight to the museum because I knew my feet tend to get tired and I didn't want to spend all day out since I need to practice. It's still a bit surreal being back, even having only left for 3 months. I forget who told me this, but someone said that Wien is sort of a mix of various architectural styles and it's not the prettiest city. Maybe there are other more beautiful cities, especially in Europe, but I still love it here. I find it very difficult to describe cities to people. Every city is unique and has a certain feeling. I have to go explore the city and try cafes and restaurants so that I can properly entertain my friends who are coming to visit. So I'll be posting about what I discover.

Back to the museum, I really loved the new exhibit which included Titian, Peter Paul Rubens, and even some Rembrandt. All of whose works I enjoyed seeing at the National Gallery in Washington, DC. I find that my tastes in art have really grown and expanded. A big example being that I used to think that portraiture was so boring. Then the Velazquez exhibit last winter changed that. I just found myself mesmerized by his portraits. I wouldn't say that I've moved away from my love of landscapes and impressionism, but I have since fallen in love with Jugendstil (Art Nouveau) as well as Baroque and earlier styles.

Being the home to the Viennese Secession, Klimt, Schiele, and Kokoschka are venerated here. On the other end of the spectrum, Albrecht Durer and Pieter Bruegel the Elder hold prominent spots in the Kunsthistorisches and Albertina Museums. And somewhere in the middle is Carl Moll, Hans Makart, and Koloman Moser. The Last Judgment by Hieronymus Bosch is even in Wien. But although a wonderful Monet exhibit was at the Belvedere over the winter, I don't know if there are any works by Monet, Manet, Degas, Renoir, Sisley, Cezanne, Pisarro, (or Van Gogh), so basically nothing French. So I'm especially glad that I was able to visit the National Gallery in DC, which has all of those artists represented, in addition to British and American artists.

Art really brings me great joy, and I'm so lucky to live in a city with world class museums. I wish they were a little less expensive, but it's worth it.

Getting to Know You

The older I get, the less tolerance I have for mind games. Say what you mean. As long as you mean what you say. Life is too short for anything short of honesty, isn't it? Once you figure out who you are, be yourself, and surround yourself with people who love you for who you are. And love them in the same way in return. There's plenty of room left for tact, and timing, and kindness, and gentleness. Honesty doesn't have to be painful or awkward, and should be loving.

I have been telling Chris how I miss the old quizzes on Facebook you tag your friends in. Most of the questions were dumb, but as a whole it wasn't a pointless exercise. The interesting question is: what questions do you ask if you want to actually get to know someone? I thought of a list that I might throw up in a Facebook Note (remember those?), but I also remember reading about a similar list in the New York Times. The idea behind its creation is that we can accelerate the getting-to-know-you process by opening up and asking the right questions.

One of the later questions is: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?

It's funny, isn't it, how we don't tell people how we feel and how we love them. By funny, I mean stupid. Why? Go tell someone that you love that you love them. Right now. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed to any of us. The world can always use more love, but also, what good is loving someone if they don't know that you love them? It's so easy, we have no excuse.

I'm probably not alone in my desire to withhold the big L word for special occasions. You don't love everyone the same way. I'm not suggesting we tell our landlords and hairdressers that we love them. But everyone (hopefully) has at least one person that they do love. Ask yourself when the last time it was that you told a loved one that you loved them. I'm guessing it's been too long for someone on your list.

I may be socially inept at times, but there's nothing I love more than having a good conversation with someone. A connection is made, a bond is strengthened, a friendship is deepened. In any social situation, I'm just waiting to be asked the right questions. But I don't have to wait.

Here's something you probably don't know about me. I regret that I never learned how to swing dance. For a violinist my mind-body connection is surprisingly poor. I knew I would look like a fool learning to dance, but I wish that I hadn't let that fear stop me from learning something which looks wonderful and fun (unfortunately I don't know firsthand).

People communicate in all sorts of ways. Through hugs, gifts, and other thoughtful actions. In the aforementioned quiz the creators wanted partners to conclude their experiment with 4 minutes of eye contact. Four minutes is a very long time. Especially in silence. I know. I don't know if I've made it past 30 seconds. I'm not sure what you communicate that way, but a connection is made.

I'm not likely to stare into your eyes for four silent minutes the next time we meet, but I hope to get to know you better. If you don't mind answering some questions with me, send me a message.

Lines of Reasoning Concerning God, Pt. 2

I realize that with this post I am proceeding from the assumption that God is the Christian God. Although I have not researched the theologies of other religions I do believe that the central theme throughout all organized religions is that God is good, and that we need to live a certain way to reach him. I have the advantage of having been raised in a Christian home and am familiar with Christianity's teachings, so it was natural for me to start by examining the God of the Bible. Every religion tells us certain things about who God is, and I would like to learn about other religions, but personally I wanted to see if the faith of my childhood made sense.

If God is good, then there are absolutes. There is good and evil, a right and a wrong way to live. God is also just, and rewards good behavior and punishes bad behavior. Does God change our circumstances to do this? Life experience shows us that this is not (usually) the case.

Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. Belief in God may not affect the 10%, but it does change the 90% of how you react.

The only logical reason a perfectly good, all powerful God would create a world outside His full control, giving beings the ability to choose between good and evil is that God created us for a purpose. Which is to freely choose Him.

Choosing God involves believing that we need to be saved from sin which leads to death. Distinct from other religions which have enlightenment as a means of overcoming our sinful nature, Christianity asserts that we cannot save ourselves or do enough good works to please God.

Instead, Christians believe that God had to send His Son, who was perfect and innocent, to die in our place, taking punishment we deserve. By doing this He defeated death through His resurrection, removing the barrier of sin between us and God. This was His gift of supreme love, and all that is necessary for salvation is belief that Christ died for our sins and repentance, accepting the Holy Spirit into our lives so that we are spiritually reborn.

When we invite the Holy Spirit to take over our lives, symbolized in baptism, God lives in and through us. He will guide us according to His will, and begin to change us into the people He meant us to be: His children. If our sinful nature has died in order for our spiritual rebirth and Christ lives in us, we will be perfected and united with God after death.

Lines of Reasoning Concerning God, Pt. 1

Logically there are 2 possible truths.
Either: 1) There is no god and therefore life has no purpose in a teleological sense. There is no afterlife and all meaning in our lives is self-made based on individual and societal values. Morality is a relative construct based on human ideals which can change.
Or: 2) There is a god who created us and the world, and ultimately our purpose is to please or glorify god. There is an afterlife and our beliefs and actions in this life determine our eternal destination. Morality is separate from human ideals but instead is god's will.

We cannot know which of these possibilities is The Truth through our reason alone. Both are equally reasonable, but only one can be true.

Assuming that we believe that there is a god who created the world and ourselves, what can we know about him?

Can we know that god is good? Does perfection, and therefore goodness, exist in him? I there a distinction between the idea that god, if perfect, can ONLY do good and the idea that whatever he does is good, simply by the virtue that he did it? Could god be or do wrong or evil?

There is evil by commission and evil by omission. God created the world, something which is outside himself. Then he created us, in his image (according to the Bible), with the free will to choose. So has god limited himself by creating a closed system, assuming this neutral space is the only place free will could truly exist? I believe C.S. Lewis says (in Mere Christianity) that the world must be a closed system to allow for free will.

A miracle can be defined as the supernatural: something happens that is not in accordance with the Laws of Nature. Miracles (by this strict definition) can only be perpetrated by beings outside this world, with the power to affect it. The question is, if miracles can and do happen, why do they occur in some instances and not others?

This is summed up in the Problem of Evil: If God is good and all powerful, why is there evil in the world?

Evil exists either because: There is no God, and technically good and evil is just a man-made construct; God is not good, or is indifferent; or God is not all powerful.

If divine intervention was everywhere, would that destroy the neutrality of the world? If people saw miracles everyday, it wouldn't take much faith to believe that god exists. God can and will redeem the world according to His will (promised in the Bible), but when He does so, free will can no longer exist. With redemption comes judgment. God chooses to allow evil for a time because the good that comes from our choosing Him of our own free will is worth all the temporary pain and death of evil. In the end, all evil will be punished. We just can't see justice from our temporal position.

Might God have limited His power of influence in the world for a time, and primarily have to work through His agents? Could other celestial beings (angels and demons) have the power to change things here? If God fills His followers with the Holy Spirit, and the Devil also possesses his followers, then spiritual warfare is not metaphorical but literal.

God has limited His power in order to allow people to freely choose Him, thereby bringing Him glory. God has the power to remake the world perfectly, and has promised that that day is coming. Until then God is doing all He can to save as many people by making His invitation to salvation as accessible as possible, but He is (perhaps) limited by His followers (His hands and feet on Earth) and hindered by the Devil. If we consider the Problem of Evil from outside of Time as we know it, it is possible for God to be both good and ultimately all powerful.

God cannot save everyone because He will not force people to accept Him. Hell does exist. Life is not fair. Not everyone has the same opportunity to learn about God and have an informed choice as to whether or not they believe in Him and follow His teachings. If God is righteous He will take that into account on Judgment Day. We can't know how.

Love Yourself

I'm not a funny person. Ask any of my friends to describe me, and I hope my sincerity and thoughtfulness are mentioned. I doubt that my humor will be. I try to live my life with a quiet dignity and integrity. That's why I have almost no typical college stories of drunken mistakes. It sometimes makes me a little sad that I don't have any fun stories for parties. There's rarely a moment when I can say, "Oh, that reminds me of this one time..." I'm not the crazy best friend who remembers how we almost got arrested. I wasn't there. I'm the 3rd best friend who you tell that story to.

Of course I don't want to be boring. Who wants to win Never Have I Ever? Of course, to me, there's nothing more interesting than being smart. The person I want to be knows German. He can talk about his favorite paintings and books on an intellectual level. He can engage with you about philosophies of music and discuss how to keep both Classical music relevant and be receptive to new voices that speak for our generation. He takes creative pictures and watches foreign films. Doesn't my hypothetical dream self sound interesting? He'd even like to be able to make his own mixed drinks, because he's classy, dammit.

But he also wants to be funny. He not only wants to treat his friends like family, but he wants to be considered family by his friends. He'd like to be rid of his inferiority complex. That's not hypothetical at all. Sometimes I think that if I were funnier or more interesting, people might actually think about me and send me a message.

In my twisted, analytical mind I can teach myself to be funny, just as I could teach myself anything else, through practice. Of course, everyone has innate skill ceilings for various things, and maybe it's not in my nature to be funny. But I have the rest of my life to work on figuring it out, if I so desire.

That's not the point I want to make here, though. Feeling that Jesus loves me changed how I see myself. I may not be who I want to be, but I am able to love myself regardless, safe in the knowledge that God thinks I am worthy of love. And if I feel lovable, I'm more ready to trust that the people who I love love me in return. At our last meeting, Amber asked me how I thought I accepted love. I didn't know what to think of that concept, but I see now that I didn't believe that I was loved.

People aren't perfect, and they don't love perfectly. I don't. But if I love myself, maybe it'll be easier to be lovable. How can I expect others to love me if I don't love myself? And maybe I'll be that much closer to being that hypothetical dream me. And maybe he'll get a girlfriend. Because that guy is a real catch.

Just Feeling It Out

It's not that I don't have any feelings. I just have trained myself to not trust them. Reason has always been a guiding light, the north star, something which we can use to determine right and wrong actions. If men were all reasonable the world would be a much better place, I think. But men are not reasonable, and feelings are irrational. And while I would not have plainly stated that feelings were wrong or problematic, I certainly believed that they were untrustworthy.

But feelings are kind of like the heart to the bones of our reason. I guess our values can be the muscles in this analogy. Feelings are why we live. Reason is how we live. Look, I'm making this up as we go. I just mean that doing things because we feel that we should, or that we expect to feel a certain way as a result is a valid and often fun way of living.

I still believe that one thing that feelings do is validate our reason. Two options may be presented which have different but equally valid reasons behind them. Stay close to home for college or go to a more prestigious school. Staying close to family might allow for a support system and familiarity of the area that you couldn't have if you went further away. The closer school may be cheaper, but the other school might have a better program for your major. Reason may take you far, and you could solely rely on reason to make your decision, but your feelings might be a useful tool to help you discern what is the better choice for you.

Feelings have not been enough for me to make decisions. The first thing I ask myself is "Why am I feeling this way?" And the result is a lot of self-doubt and hand-wringing. Particularly when it involves my feelings about other people. I am a cowardly, non-confrontational person who never wants to inconvenience anyone. Top tip: If we are out at dinner, do not wait for me to flag down the waiter for the check. They will walk by 5 times before I say anything.

A relatively recent personal revelation I have made was that feelings that seem selfish or wrong or even nonsensical aren't any less real. I have talked myself out of asking several girls out because I thought that my feelings were unfounded or misguided. Maybe I was more in love with the idea of being in love than the girl. I worried that my feelings were directed towards my perception of who she was, or rather who I wanted her to be for me.

How I feel about someone is important information for potentially big decisions. So I am trying to not view feelings as inferior to and mutually exclusive from reason. Your feelings might tell you that you have other options besides the perfectly reasonable ones. Something wonderful and, in the present, inconceivable might be beyond what your reason tells you is an impossible obstacle.

Flight Movies

In general I am willing and able to sleep at all hours of the day, on anything that is relatively clean, warm, and free of pointed objects. I've slept in chairs, and typically I fall asleep on planes without too much of a problem provided that I bring my travel pillow. But on very long flights I do not fall asleep easily, unfortunately. Knowing this, I decided to watch movies the entire transatlantic flight this trip. It succeeded to occupy my mind and made the 7 hour flight much more bearable. I wanted to sleep in Heathrow after getting fish and chips, but I managed to power through until last night thanks to a short nap on my final flight.

The three movies I picked were: The Imitation Game, Wild, and Into the Woods. I basically cried during all three movies.

The Imitation Game is a fascinating biopic of a genius who tragically was persecuted unjustly for the crime of homosexuality. Cumberbatch does a fantastic job of portraying Alan Turing as logical and emotionally ignorant, but he grows to be likable and endearing, especially as his schoolboy days are shown. It would have been fascinating to understand exactly what the work in cryptography actually entailed, but you can't have everything. Knowing nothing about Turing or Joan Clarke it's hard for me to evaluate how well the movie captured their personalities. Assuming it is mostly accurate, the movie is an intense view into the lives of people in World War II who did amazing things that were kept secret for many decades.

Wild was also more personal than I expected it to be. Even though I knew the story was about a woman who decided to hike the Pacific Crest Trail after her life fell apart, I guess I thought it would be more about the hike itself and the transformative power of the beauty of Nature. It just so happens that the physical journey also makes a perfect metaphor for Witherspoon's character's spiritual rebirth from the ashes of her life. The presentation of the story through editing struck me as particularly effective. I have not read Strayed's memoir, but the juxtaposition of physical trials and flashbacks really brought her inner demons to light as we learn what brought her to the decision of hiking hundreds of miles. It is a moving account of how we deal with loss and recover from the mistakes of our past.

Into the Woods was visually a stunning update / screen adaptation of a Sondheim classic. My thoughts can be summed up in the following sentence: Meryl Streep is an incredibly talented actress (and not a bad singer!) but she's no Bernadette Peters. I am always skeptical of famous, established actors in musicals. I recognized almost everyone in every major role, and accordingly, I thought that the acting was phenomenal. But the singing was average overall. For example, I am just not convinced that Johnny Depp is a strong singer. The songwriting is so strong that I still loved the movie, though. They changed the ending a bit from what I remembered was a little too depressing in tone. I hardly never watched the second act. One other observation I had was that I missed a lot of the humor of the staged version. You just can't beat the 1991 version of Agony. They also cut the reprise of that song. It's a good movie, and it definitely makes me want to listen / watch more Sondheim.

Return

As my flight back to Vienna approached and my time here was running out, I was vaguely satisfied that I had at least started to work through family problems. I loved spending quality time with Amber and am happy that we are closer than ever. And then we were able to squeeze in one last visit Friday morning at Bongo Java.

I had given her a card at dinner earlier in the week for her upcoming birthday, and I included some money to help her to come visit me. I knew she would be suspicious and would probably open it. She did, and over tea she told me that she had been worrying about paying for the Bar exam, which is far more expensive than I would have dreamed. It seems obvious to me now that God was working through me, as I helped meet a need that I had no knowledge of.

She gave me a devotional book and a letter. Even as I had driven in to Nashville I had wondered if giving God a second chance would impact my life at all. When I got home I read her messages to me, and something incredible happened. Just reading that Jesus loves me triggered an emotional response unlike anything I have ever experienced, and I broke down crying. I felt that God was with me, and His love became a reality for me when He told me that He loved me. It washed away years of feeling worthless and like a failure. I hadn't even been aware that I hated myself that strongly, or that I craved God's love and approval so much.

Now I see that in a way God brought me back home, despite or because of family problems, in order to seek Him again and finally find Him. I have a lot of horrible habits but I can accept my wandering years as I struggled to make my own way in a new light; my unhappiness led to a re-evaluation of my life and if faith has a part to play in it. I chose to repent and return to God.

God welcomed me back with open arms.

And now as I fly back to Vienna tomorrow it really feels like a new chapter of my life is beginning.

New Music for Renewal

I finally decided on the last of 3 albums to buy. I generally find new bands once every few years, when I spend hours listening to iTunes previews. Each batch of music comes to represent that period of my life. I've come a long way developing my musical taste since Rachel, Jeff O., and Joseph introduced me to rock and indie music. Out of a long list I narrowed it down to about 8 new artists, and from there I chose The Phantom Band, Chvrches, and London Grammar.

Each of them scratch a particular itch. The Phantom Band was chosen for inventive orchestration, with a sound not unlike Vampire Weekend or Fanfarlo. Their songs are bigger, allowing for different textures to morph and evolve in a very satisfying way. Chvrches is the result of wanting to get into electronic music for years. It's more synth-pop, and is set apart by Lauren Mayberry's powerful vocals. Their sound has just enough cheesy 80's synth sound to make it very accessible. London Grammar also is built around female vocals, something I was looking for this go-around. It's very sparse accompaniment in the same realm as Jeff Buckley except with synthesizers. I went for the relaxed atmosphere over more active musical accompaniment in MS MR, but Hannah Reid really sells it.

I was hoping to find a good multi-vocal group, preferably with both male and female singers, in the vein of The Mamas and the Papas, The Carpenters, and Fleetwood Mac. I love Vampire Weekend, Fleet Foxes, and Grizzly Bear for their layered vocals, but didn't find any new groups with a similar structure. The Colourist came the closest but although their voices worked well together, the male vocals were weak. I did like the female vocals (she was also the drummer!) but it was a little too pop-y for my current tastes.

This comes after purchasing 3 operas: Hansel und Gretel, Madama Butterfly, and Aida. I figured that I should listen to and learn more operas if I'm dreaming of playing them professionally. I'm waiting until I am back in Wien to order opera DVDs since they will actually be cheaper, even with shipping from the US. I think I will buy Otello, La fille du regiment, and Turandot. Hopefully all this music will inspire me to work harder.

Shower Talk

God doesn't speak to me when I want to hear from Him. It is His prerogative whether or not He speaks to us. Even when He is silent we should have the comfort of knowing that He desires what is best for us. Listening for Him with rapt attention and focus is a reasonable demand that He makes on us. If we find silence from the world and ourselves, His whispers are plenty loud.

For those that die young, God calls them to be with Him for eternity, after a short life of suffering. To us it may seem unjust, but perhaps they are lucky and remain innocent. Everyone must die, so an early death is no worse than dying at the end of a long life. It may not be fair for one to have 8 years to decide to accept Christ as opposed to 80 years, but both technically have the same opportunity, in theory.

Knowing is only Half the Battle

I spent a great deal of time outlining reasonable beliefs about God recently. I still spent far more time sleeping or trying to sleep, but I have finally reengaged with the age old question: Why am I here?

Towards the end of dinner, eating a sopaipilla for the first time, Amber marked that perhaps not caring wouldn't be so bad. I forget the context exactly, but my response was that apathy is not a path I wish I had gone down. It's by far the easiest way to get through life, but there's very little living involved. 

Perhaps correlation does not imply causation; maybe I'm just a lazy person. I worked harder, loved music and my family more, and slept better at night back when I had a relationship with God, whatever it was. I also have learned that the world and people are a lot uglier than I thought. But Amber asked me a good question: What do I expect life with Christ to be like, compared to now?

I expect His love to be transformative. I hope to rely on a strength greater than my own to live the life He calls me to. I want to feel like I've been made new.

But I want to come to God on my own terms. I want to be convinced of His perfection through reason; to believe that my need for Him is necessary by design. I don't like feeling that I need Him because I don't feel well, or because I selfishly desire something in my life. Faith shouldn't be a crutch for weakness. That it is more reassuring to believe in a benevolent god than not is no reason for belief.

The key thing that distinguishes Christianity from other religions is Christ. What matters is whether Jesus was who He said He was and did what He said He did. The evidence we have to determine whether the Bible is True is the Bible itself, along with what we observe in Nature and ourselves. God can also talk to us through special or direct revelation, but they seem reserved to those who already believe and follow Him.

As this post is becoming unwieldy, I will outline my thoughts in a separate post. But assuming Christianity's explanation of salvation makes logical sense to me, I find myself in a familiar spot. How do I believe? I think what frustrated me before was the lack of any feelings of affirmation. It felt like I would ask God for guidance and not hear anything. Why play games? I didn't expect the clouds to part and a mighty voice accompanied by trumpets. But whispered riddles are not a very effective way to communicate.

Knowing how Christianity works has never been the problem for me. People aren't atheists and agnostics and Muslims and Hindus because they can't comprehend Christianity. They choose to believe in something else.

Unpacking My Time Home

I would be lying if I said that my time home hasn't been cathartic. I've been here for a long time, which is unfortunate, but I needed to take some time to reflect and get my head back on straight. It's taken me long enough to even write something new here. I do want to blog a lot more often. Writing is my strength and it's how I like to express myself. So before I head to bed, I'm gonna just piece something together. Because a lot has been on my mind lately.

Martha and I hammered out an agreement, with help from Dad, and that's a huge step towards recovering our relationship. I've also had a few heart to heart talks with Mom in the wee hours of the morning. I think I had just given up on our relationship a while ago, and I had forgotten why. So there's still so much that we don't see eye to eye on, but it's a start.

I also was happy to be able to visit Chris down at LSU a few weeks back. We played games and just hung out. His roommates are awesome Brazilians. I met Perla and she is lovely. It's comforting that he has good people around to help keep him in line when he needs it. Paper Mario is one of my favorite games of all time, and I got pretty far in The Thousand Year Door by 17 hours, when I had to leave.

Amber has been patiently helping me try to regain my sanity and my faith, and I love the time I get to spend with her. I felt like our friendship grew as the result of real quality time. I feel safe opening up to her. As I get older, I realize that there's no reason to not be yourself around people. Real connection requires vulnerability. And Amber is one of my dearest friends who I am comfortable with being myself around.

When I had to go to Washington DC for my Visa, I was lucky enough to have time to see the Smithsonian again. I went with Mom in '07 and loved it. My cousin Abby was gracious enough to allow me to stay with her and her husband, Kenny. The metro made me nauseous but I was able to buy 3 posters for my room back in Vienna, and Trey even came down for dinner where I tried rabbit and delicious Belgian beer.

Allergies suck but I guess this spring has been a time of renewal in many ways. Hopefully my blog will have new life, as well.

2015

2015 is here! Well, it's been here for almost a month now. It's been a long time since I've blogged regularly, and I'm hoping to get back to writing on a schedule this year. A lot of times when I'm under stress or feeling like life is getting away from me - something that is inevitable - I retreat to a pattern of comfortable indulgences and denial. In short, when life gets tough, I cower. And then I feel guilty because I know my problems are so insignificant. It's unfortunate that guilt is such a horrible motivating force, and more often than not simply leads to a death spiral.

But it's a new year, and I'm hoping to work hard to change my perspective on life and music. It's so easy for me to settle for my absolute minimal effort, I know it'll be a struggle to overcome indifference. I've come up with a plan to build new habits and grow to be a mature, responsible adult.

First, I must return to a focus on taking care of myself. I think I made significant progress when I was out in Boulder and I realized how much of a difference it makes when my body is functioning at its best. It sounds so simple that I'm surprised how long I've overlooked my health. So I pledge to Sleep well, Eat well, Drink well, and Exercise.

My second goal is to replace mindless entertainment with intellectual stimulation and creativity. I love YouTube and I believe that there can be a place for it in my life, but it has taken over my life. I want to incorporate time for meditation and deep thought into my day, preferably in the morning. The sources of my musings will come from reading and art. In Vienna I have an excellent opportunity to experience world class music and paintings firsthand. I would also like to return to drawing and writing poetry. Movies and theater should also not be forgotten. And finally, and perhaps most importantly (in a practice sense), I must wholeheartedly study and learn German if I hope to have any future career in Europe.

These two parts to a solid foundation will give me the energy and mental acuity to progress rapidly in my music studies, and hopefully I will find a renewed passion for the violin. In support of this plan to find joy and meaning in my life, I must not isolate myself. I can no longer ignore philosophy and religion and accept that only through struggling with the essential questions of life will I truly become happy. But most important of all, I will have to call upon friends to help me. Together we can hold each other accountable, discuss ideas and feelings, and love one another.

In summary:
Sleep well, Eat well, Drink well, and Exercise.
Experience music, art, and read thought provoking books and articles and reflect on them.
Study German.
Practice the violin.
Engage in philosophical discussions with friends.