Setting up the pieces

I feel like I'm starting to wake up from my old life, where I just went through the motions, with no dreams or ambitions, and a listlessness and (I don't think it's much of an exaggeration) dispair. Ever since I moved home from Vienna, I really have felt like a failure, and I still could not tell you why I got depressed when I had everything I wanted right in front of me. I've harbored a lot of bitterness towards God because I didn't understand why that door closed in my face. "Oh, maybe I'll move back home and meet the love of my life, or find something I'm super passionate about for a totally different career." That would have made me feel like it was a good thing. But that didn't happen, and I still miss Vienna dearly.

This past month I have found hope that I can finally turn over that new leaf. Taking the first step is always the hardest for me (except maybe finishing the last 10%, but that's another post for another day) and I'm glad that I've done something to make a future where I can be happy. 

Today I was told that I am ready to test for a Yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do. Honestly, the cynic in me thinks that it's too soon and if I am handed something so easily, it can't mean much. Maybe it's just a poor dojang (dojo) that's a 'belt factory' or a fancy daycare for children. Some days there are simply too many people for everyone to have ample space to move and practice. But while it is a little more expensive than I wish it was, it gets me out of the apartment, is helping me get in shape (and lose weight), and is something that I'm enjoying learning. I hope I can train my discipline as well. And hey, God forbid I'm ever in a bad situation, but it is a form of self defense. 

Although I have not done any editing, I have really enjoyed taking my camera out to some nice, little state parks in the area. A 5 mile hike was properly rewarded with a good beer at a local brewery. 

I'm actually thinking about the future, and though I don't know where I'm going, any strides I have taken are a big change from just drifting along with no motivation. I know too well that saying that I want to do something and actually WANTING to do something are totally different. And I think there is a place for a bit of "fake it until you make it" mentality. Just to build up a bit of momentum; to break inertia. 

One thing I want to focus on, amid all the grand plans, is to shift my attitude to one of thankfulness and positivity. You want to do cool things and create a life where you can't wait to get out of bed in the morning? The biggest obstacle is probably You. I'm tired of undermining my goals. I don't want to look back and know that I wasted the best years of my life.  I know I'm capable of great things. More to come, thanks for anyone who read this.