Waiting

Following up on my last post, I think I realized what is actually happening: I have to wait for something. Not only do I have to truly earn something on my own, but I want something that I can only have if I wait and dutifully save money. It's not that I haven't paid for things. I've been increasing my level of responsibility slowly since college started. I have a job (even if it doesn't pay much) which covers my gas money and health insurance every month. I should be able to pay for my car insurance in a few weeks if I'm careful and get paid again by dad. However, once I pay mom back fully, I probably won't have much savings for the move. I need at least $300 just for gas to drive to Boulder.

Life is a series of accumulating responsibilities and working to keep a roof over your head and food on the table. Having calculated my expenses and formulated a budget, I worry that I'll never save enough money to do anything fun, like go back to Vienna. I wish I could say I was tough enough to put in 40 hour weeks for the next 30 years, but I really don't know if I have it in me. I don't want to join the rat race. I want to work hard at a fulfilling job and live a simple life so that I can travel occasionally. I want to own a house with a bit of land where I can grow some vegetables and have a few flowers, where I can hike and draw and have a dog and hopefully a family, and not be living paycheck to paycheck.

But from the look of things, there's always one more bill to pay or one more thing to buy. First, health insurance and car insurance. Then renting an apartment. Then getting a new computer. Then a new car. Then getting your own house. Then furnishing said house. Then getting a dog. Hopefully getting married sometime. If we have kids, I believe you should plan for $200,000 to raise them until they are 18. That doesn't include college. Plus, from now on I should start saving for emergencies and eventually retirement.

Living is more than paying bills and surviving. But work will always be a big part of life. And I think that's how it should be.

Character

There's a lot on my mind these days, as I am organizing my budget for the next year. I'm currently in denial that I have preliminary exams during orientation. I'm not thrilled that I'll be tested on ethnomusicology, which I've never studied. I would like to pass my aural exam, but I know I really need to work on my ear training so I had thought about taking another class to help me in that area.

I had a great conversation with Jeff about politics, and hopefully I'll get all those thoughts in order soon. It was good to get feedback about my last post. It's so unfortunate that students' only options for higher education are either to take on a huge amount of debt in student loans, or to have a lot of help from their family. Very few can get enough scholarship to pay their own way through school. Graduate students normally don't get as much scholarship money, either.

But for whatever reason (I think looking at Emma's photos) I have been obsessed with getting a new camera. The screen of my old Canon Powershot cracked when I dropped it in Aspen in '09, but it's still a good camera. I just wish I could take better quality photos with a bit more zoom and manual controls. Since my old camera is still a great point and shoot, I thought I could get a more professional level camera. I thought about getting a Micro 4/3 camera but I don't really want to deal with interchangeable lenses now. Not only does multiple lenses make carrying the camera around more of a hassle, each lens is expensive.

What I decided on was a Nikon Coolpix P7100. It has a sensor that is twice as big as the sensor in a normal compact point and shoot. The two things that set it apart from other cameras in it's class are the longer 7.1x zoom and all the control dials on the camera which allow for quick adjustments. I dream of taking photos of cool places I've been and projecting them on a big screen so I can try to relive those moments. That may be too much to ask of this camera, but I can definitely shoot great quality 8"x10" prints.

The reason I mention this is that I'm not sure I've ever wanted something like this that I couldn't have within a reasonable time period. If I wanted things I could ask for them for Christmas or my birthday. The things that I buy myself are generally not prohibitively expensive and I have never had the responsibilities that I do now. I have never had to save this much of my own money to get something that I wanted. If I'm smart, I'll save any and all money that I make this year for rent next year. I might not have the extra money to buy myself this camera for another year. Which is a long time to wait.

Whenever I think about it (which is daily) my responsible side takes on the tone of Calvin's (C&H) dad: "It builds character." Wanting something so badly and then working hard for it will make it so much more rewarding when I finally can afford to buy it. It's strange that I haven't really felt that kind of motivation before.

Sink or Swim Time?

I have been making my plans and budget for the upcoming year. I talked to Tutu about sending her the budget so that she can prepare to pay my tuition. Mom has been insistent that we have Tutu pay for housing as well as my health insurance (through the school plan). I was very uncomfortable asking Tutu and Papa to pay for everything, so I called Martha to get her opinion.

She pointed out that although I'm right for feeling that as a 24 year old, I should be independent enough to be responsible for my own housing and bills, that because my savings are so low I simply would be setting myself up for failure if I tried to make it on my own.

I know friends like Tyler and Jordan have worked and put themselves through school. They still haven't graduated and they may not be the best examples of academic excellence, but I respect them so much for working their way through school. If I had made smarter choices this year, I could have had enough savings to consider living off campus. But $600 / mo. x 5 months is $3000, not even counting the initial deposit.

$1000 for car insurance, $1000 for food, and $500 for gas is about all I can handle, if I start an emergency fund and start saving for an apartment next year including furniture. I really wanted to continue to pay my own health insurance, but an extra $1000 for 5 months is just too much.

Martha was able to move out and support herself years ago, but she also had more job experience in general. The real problem with 'jumping in with both feet' is that I can't get a job until I move, and I can't find a place to move into without a job. Just moving halfway across the country would bankrupt me if I had to pay an initial deposit, and then I would have the constant stress of hoping that I could make enough money for rent AND food. Even if I somehow managed it with some help, my grades would suffer and focusing on becoming a better musician is the entire point of getting my Master's Degree.

I wish I could swim, but I can't. The best thing I can do, which Tutu and Papa would appreciate more than anything, is to make a plan to make the most of my time at school and their gift of tuition and housing. Instead of starting with $20,000 of debt in student loans and being evicted from some apartment I couldn't afford, I'll find a solid job and start saving for the time when I'm truly on my own.

Cameras

I have been wanting a new camera for a while now. While preparing inserts for the Sunday paper, I saw several ads for cameras on sale, which got me thinking about whether I could afford an upgrade by the time I left for Boulder. I really can't, if I want to have enough money for rent while I find a job there. But when I can save the money, I think I have decided that the Canon PowerShot SX260 HS is the best camera at the next level of photography. I thought about getting a bridge camera, which is between a point-and-shoot and a dSLR. In the end I think they are still just too bulky, and there are smaller cameras with the same high quality shots with more control like manual settings. The PowerShot SX260 is the best of these, and is a bit more money than I was originally planning on spending. But it's not like I need a camera for anything now. If we (Vanderbilt orchestra) end up going to China I will hopefully be able to invest in a new camera.

Three main considerations that I have are as follows: image quality, particularly in low light; a more versatile zoom (my old PowerShot only has a basic 3x zoom); and more creative control through manual settings, as I hope to become a better photographer armed with more than a point-and-shoot. And of course size and convenience is another major factor, as I want to take landscape pictures and pictures of architecture when I am able to travel.

There are plenty of things that I want that I need to start saving for as soon as I can. Besides a new camera, more immediately I need to buy some new shoes. And I would really like to have a computer that didn't overheat and require an external fan all the time. Dad said I could use his copy of Corel Draw (2009, I believe, so not too old) so that I can finally use the electronic tablet that he got me forever ago. And long term saving will hopefully begin soon for a road trip to Yellowstone (I'm hoping to meet Ashley there, which would be lovely) and ultimately, a return trip to Vienna and perhaps Switzerland.

Richard Strauss

Richard Strauss and Hitler's Reich.

I have always loved the music of Richard Strauss. It was an incredible blow to learn that he had been involved with the Nazi party, which I first learned at MasterWorks. I remember hearing that it was theorized that the Metamorphosen for 23 Strings was composed in memoriam for Adolf Hitler. This was during the time when I did not listen to Richard Wagner's works because of his strong antisemitism. I did finally come around to giving Wagner another chance, but while I enjoyed Das Rheingold, after about 10 minutes of nonstop music I greatly missed the regular structure of arias and recitative. It's too much work and not enough reward.

By comparison, however, I still love Strauss. Der Rosenkavalier is a very busy opera musically, and I am overwhelmed when I just listen to it, but I am so glad that I went to see it performed my last night in Vienna. It's an opera you really have to see as well as hear. But listening to Also Sprach Zarathustra is like heaven. I don't know why anyone would want to stop listening after the opening minute and a half. His tone poems are so evocative and engaging. The sheep in Don Quixote sound like sheep. The story of Till Eulenspiegel is amazingly clear through the music. And performing Tod und Verklarung (Death and Transfiguration) was a major highlight of all my orchestral experiences. The ending is powerfully moving.

So I am very pleased to read this article about Richard Strauss' relationship with the Nazi regime, which removes Strauss from being a Nazi supporter. I am especially glad to hear that the theory of his Metamorphosen for 23 Strings being dedicated or in memoriam to Hitler has been strongly opposed. It is widely believed that it is more of a lament for the decline of German culture through World War II, and in particular the destruction and bombing of Munich. If it is in memoriam for anyone in particular, many believe that it was for Beethoven. So now I can breath a little easier knowing that one of my favorite composers wasn't a Nazi.

I discovered his Piano Quartet, an earlier work of his, which is a gem. But now I will finally listen to his Metamorphosen for 23 Strings.

I have come to the opinion that life is too short to experience everything that is worthwhile, and that it's much better to choose a select number of things to master and thoroughly absorb. The books of John Steinbeck are one of those things for me. The music of Richard Strauss is another.

Music and Space

So I had listened to Don Giovanni and Die Zauberflöte in the car on my paper route every night for the past month, so I decided to burn some more CDs. I created an epic playlist divided into 4 CDs, in addition to CDs of Mahler 5 and Shostakovich 5 (and Cello Concerto): Night on Bald Mountain, Bruckner 9 (my recording from Vienna), Ein Heldenleben, Also Sprach Zarathustra, Alpensymphonie, Strauss Horn Concerto no. 2, and Turangalila Symphonie.

I specifically associate Bruckner and Richard Strauss with the (Austrian) Alps. I listened to Bruckner 4 during my train rides through the mountains, and it was a perfect soundtrack. I really enjoy listening to music on my nightly rounds, and it helps if it's loud music because I have to drive with my windows down. But more to the point, there's something about the night that allows music like Strauss and Mahler to resonate with me. Even though I'm delivering papers in some of the most exclusive neighborhoods in Tennessee, I feel closer to nature. Especially when I can see the moon and stars clearly. I've always had romantic notions of the grandeur of nature and space. How could Also Sprach not be fitting music?

While I didn't get a clear projection image of Venus crossing in front of the Sun yesterday, I was happy to set up my telescope. Because it's a reflecting telescope, it will overheat if I point it at the Sun, so I had to use another old telescope I found in the attic. I assumed it was Dad's, but Mom said it was hers. It was cool to see the image of the Sun, but the images from the live webcasts from Hawaii, among other places, were much clearer. Grace and Haz weren't too interested, but that's not surprising. It's just special because the Venus transit will never happen again during our lives.

After I delivered the free Wednesday papers, I got out my telescope and looked at the moon. It's amazing what an effect the moon can have if you just pay attention to it. I'm going to try to find other interesting and beautiful astronomical objects. One of my favorite thoughts is the idea that looking into space is looking into the past. Because light takes many years to reach Earth, who knows what the universe looks like now?

Rep List thoughts

It's time to start practicing again and I need to email Lina Bahn about possible repertoire for the next two years. I told her when I auditioned that I'd much rather spend time studying sonatas than concertos, and that remains true. But I feel like I wouldn't be a proper violinist if I didn't at least tackle another major concerto, probably Tchaikovsky. I love Beethoven as well, and Glazunov has always spoken to me.

But here is a preliminary list of sonatas I'd like to work on. I should probably do Bach B minor, as well as take on the Chaccone. I could finish the A major sonata as well, since I never worked on the Grave and didn't get very far with the Fugue. I love the Schubert Duo sonata in A. I'm listening to Debussy right now, which sounds fun to play. Next I'll look at Poulenc. And of course I want to learn the Brahms sonatas.

I would like to play Beethoven's Spring Sonata. I also really like Prokofiev's violin sonatas. And I'm listening to Shostakovich for the first time. It's really captivating. There are too many choices and so little time.