Stagnation

I would like to think that it was a good decision to take this year off. I certainly wasn't ready to take auditions last year, right after I returned from Vienna. I have done some cool things this year, mainly working with my dad. My camera battery dies so quickly that I couldn't get a picture of the cabinets we just finished building. I took a few pictures with my phone.

But I honestly don't practice. And I hardly read. I started rereading Lord of the Rings again mainly out of laziness. I never finished Paterson or The Courage to Create. I haven't touched my puzzle in a month. I don't feel like I'm doing anything with my life.

Honestly, I'm jealous of my friends who are passionate about what they are doing. In particular, Eva is up in Boston working on a new, professional quality album. Speaking of her music, I love her new Christmas song. And Chris keeps himself so busy with all his composition and quartet work, he's got quite enough to do even since he's done with school.

All I want for Christmas is to start to live the best life I think I can live. The person I want myself to be is a pretty incredible person. I think I would be happy if I were satisfied with who I am. And the thought has occurred to me that maybe I haven't attracted a girlfriend because I'm not deserving. Not that I'm not a good person (something I debate) but that I'm not good enough. Or something.

It's also a bit strange to not meet anyone new this year. I definitely miss being around lots of people daily at school. I am so glad to have gotten to know everyone in IES Vienna and in Mayfield 18 the past year. I hope that we will stay friends for life. (And I have a much better idea what a true friend for life is, and how rare they are)

I'm scared, looking at the future, of moving somewhere new where I don't know anyone, because I think without the structure / atmosphere of regular classes it'll be harder than ever for me to make new friends. And at the same time I don't want to stay here, waiting for my friends to move away or otherwise just build their own lives.

Where will I find the special someone to build my own life with? And until she enters the picture, how can I be my own man, someone worth falling in love with? I can see enough reasons why people like me, but I don't really think anyone would love me.