Dedication

I wonder, during this time in limbo before the next great move in my life, how I have managed to survive life so far without any real sense of dedication. I have life goals but none are so important that they actively shape my life, which is especially apparent during this easy time of preparation where I have so much free time I could accomplish a great deal if I put my mind to it. The only thing I have done this month worth mentioning is read The Hunger Games trilogy. I haven't even done a lot of blogging lately.

I've always been wishy washy, if not downright apathetic, and have been free to go with the flow. Now every day it is apparent to me that if I want to make anything of myself, I have to take action. I have to put forth a concentrated and sustained effort to become the man I want to be.

Why are the end goals I have and the steps (practice and work) necessary so separate in my mind? I'd love to be able to read and comprehend German but when I look at the German books on my shelf at best I think, "maybe tomorrow," and at worst they look absolutely repulsive. And with that attitude I can never hope to live up to the full potential I know I am capable of becoming.

Maybe I am still suffering from depression in a way. I think about death often, and if it weren't for this ridiculous job of delivering papers I would probably die from boredom. Besides trying to take my medicines regularly, which has always been a challenge, I do think that my prolonged absence from God is affecting me. And to be honest, the Church's position on homosexuality as a sin has been a leading factor in my turning away from God. Besides the obvious repulsive and sickening attacks by Church leaders, I have always struggled with the fact that homosexuality is considered a sin in the Bible. It's clearly there. I'm sure Jesus would love them just as he loves every other sinner, but having so many close gay friends, I can't believe that that's not part of who they are as people. It's not a choice or even just a lifestyle, just as I didn't choose to be attracted to girls.

Could I lead a successful, fulfilling life without God? I think so. I know plenty of people who do. Returning to following Christ won't magically make everything better. But I wonder if there is more to life, and if having Christ in my life will help me find the right path. And evaluating what's the right path as God intended it is completely different than our expectations. In a perfect, Christ centered world, janitors would still be necessary. It reminds me of how society was set up with different castes in Brave New World. Who am I to argue with my creator about what I should do with my life? No matter how lowly it might seem in the world's eyes, if God is good, there is something he has set for me where I will be happy and will find reason to worship his goodness.