The Future Is Scary

I just signed my lease agreement and am sending it to the landlord later this morning once the post office opens. You know you have a weird sleep / work schedule when you're always waiting for things like the bank to open. I'll be glad when I can sleep through the night again.

I also finally managed to get myself to study music history. I will have entrance exams over music history, theory, ethnomusicology (which I never expected), aural skills, and major field, which is about violin schools and pedagogical methods. I'm mainly concerned about music history and theory, though. I know my aural skills are incredibly weak and would like to take more classes to help develop my ear. Never having taken an ethnomusicology class, obviously I would be surprised if I passed that exam. And I'm not quite sure what to make of the major field exam, or how to study for it.

I've talked to Chris and Jeff about the future, and just tonight I laid out my hopes to Amelia.

Ideally I'd like a full time job in an orchestra, probably in the 2nds. I'd live out of the city and grow my own vegetables. and I'd save most of my money for travel. Hopefully friends will be around and we can do quartet stuff for fun. No such thing as too many drunk chamber parties. 

• I'd like to get married, too, but we'll see what happens.
  and where ever I settle down, I want there to be mountains and trails
  I want a simple life.

The one good thing about this year is how I've been able to gain perspective, and really dig deep and discover who I am and what I want out of life. And having to pay more bills and make budgets and take on more responsibility, I realize how much work it's going to take to carve out my dream life and make it a reality.

My greatest fear is that I have to spend all my life working a 9-5 job that I don't care about, paying off one bill after another, and never getting to do the things that I want to do. One of my last posts was a list of my top 10 places that I want to visit before I die. Can I save enough money to travel while still saving for retirement? What if I get married and have kids? What if I can't get a job in a place that I want to live?

Although I have fairly traditional and conservative values, I'm a bit of a free spirit. Life is more than working to pay the bills and saving so that you don't starve once you can no longer work. I want to find work that's interesting and engaging and have it be something I can pour myself into, and be proud of my efforts. I want to be passionate about my work. But I also want my work to make it possible for me to live life on my own terms. At the end of my life, I don't want to look back and have too many regrets.