Structure

Am I an adult? As a 24 year old, I feel like I shouldn't be living with my mother anymore. I should have my own place and my own job, like all of my friends who aren't in graduate school. It's ironic that the more time I have, the less I get done. I excelled at my job at Ruby Tuesdays. I don't want to be a dish washer but I took some pride in being the best dish washer I could be. I was able to be awake and on time in the mornings, and I'm pretty sure I never called in sick all summer. Unfortunately, I was a bit tired to practice consistently, but I'm hoping that one true job experience says that I have a shot at being a responsible working man.

As I lay in bed, trying to fall asleep unsuccessfully, the thought came to me that I need more structure. I think I have work ethic but no will power. When a deadline is far away, like my auditions were a few months ago, my conscious, responsible side tells me I should practice, but I don't listen. Now that my auditions are a few weeks away, I'm panicking and practicing much harder. A favorite quote of mine by Leonard Bernstein:

To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time.

I hope that when I get a job, the truth that if I don't show up prepared that day I will be fired will keep me motivated. And getting a steady paycheck is so nice as well. I think I need a carrot dangled in front of me, if not a monster chasing me (let's call it Failure) in order to make the most of myself. This year I've learned that I could never work at home because I would never get anything accomplished. And maybe living at home has been too safe, and I'm not trying so hard to spread my wings and fly.

With this in mind I'm looking ahead at my two (or three) choices for where my life will be the next several years. My top choice in the States is CU Boulder. I finally heard back from Arizona State about an audition date, and I should book my tickets tomorrow. But right now my heart wants to return to Vienna. I sent Barbara an email about the process and she said that I could only apply to the Master's program after a year of studying at Prayner Conservatory, BUT I didn't need to audition to be in the school, since she decides. It would take an extra year to get my Master's degree but going back to Vienna is completely possible.

So my question to ponder for the night is whether Vienna can be the right place for me. I do believe Barbara will kick my ass and force me to focus on my craft. But will I have enough structure there to keep on task? Maybe even just regular lessons will be enough for me to cling to, if I can form good practice habits. I must keep talking to Ben about what the schedule is like. I know orchestra is involved, which is great news. In the end, I would still love to play in an orchestra professionally. If that doesn't make me happy, I've screwed myself over.