Pride

I want to be proud of myself. Frankly, I'm not happy with who I am as a person, and I believe that I would be wrong to be satisfied with myself.

There are two different kinds of pride: negatively, being proud means arrogantly overvaluing your own self-worth; positively, being proud is feeling satisfaction from your own or others' actions, or rather, the effort that went into said actions. Achieving great things is the most rewarding when we know that we tried our best. We realize that by pushing ourselves, we have overcome obstacles, succeeded in meeting the goal we set out to accomplish, and ultimately have grown as a human being.

I have ceased to strive for greatness in my life. I became complacent and lazy. And naturally I did not achieve great things. I settled for less than I have to give, and soon I was mediocre and I knew it. I resented what I had become, but I didn't have the courage to truly change myself.

Afraid of failure, I didn't push myself. I lowered my expectations. I sought for joy in mostly all the wrong places. The friendships I have built are undoubtedly the most meaningful things in this part of my life. I am proud of who I am as a friend. But my relationships with others has very little to do with my relationship with myself. Man's actions towards other people have nothing to do with his purpose for being. And how could I be the best brother, son, uncle, and friend that I can possibly be if I am not the best me - the best Austin Stevens - that I can possibly be?

Fear led to apathy. It was a defense mechanism. If I didn't care, mediocrity couldn't hurt. But mediocrity is unfulfilling and boring and crippling. Inertia works both ways: it can help carry you forward through momentum, or it can make attempts at self-improvement a Sisyphean task. Apathy is the enemy of life. To live we must take ownership of all we do, and that necessitates Pride and Shame.

I know it will be hard to unlearn all the bad habits and overcome my apathy and laziness. I love making lists, but no 5 or 10 step plan is going to have much of an impact without internal strength. Making choices as to who you want to become is not a simple matter of writing them down after reflection.

For now, this is what I wish to make my motto: Always be doing something that you love. There is never a moment when you shouldn't be investing in yourself.

If I can live that idea out in my life, I am sure that I will be able to take pride in who I am again.