Gedanken

I think that I've finally come to the end of my rope. Somehow I've managed just enough of a semblance of responsibility to have not destroyed myself with idleness. I think on some level that I needed to feel the danger of losing all that I've worked for, at least musically. For the majority of this summer so far I have hardly been able to play the violin. What I've let myself become is a mediocre player and uninspired person. I'm like an addict looking for his next kick, drowning in what is ultimately amusement and fluff. But you can't get the true, exhilarating joy of success without slow, dedicated work. There is no substitute for hard work.

I have doubted myself countless times in the past few years, wondering if I'm doing the right thing devoting my life to music when it seems that I never want to work at it. Maybe I'm not a true musician, and just meant to be a music lover. But when I get my act together and prepare and I perform well, I know that's what I want to do with my life. That's why I dislike concertos so much. They are good for learning advanced techniques, but I'm not a solo performer so why should I prepare pieces which I will never perform? I am so disappointed that my piano trio is not going to continue this year. I am very happy that Rachel was offerred a job, of course, but I will miss that chamber experience. Hopefully Robbie and I will find others and form a new ensemble.

A very real problem for me is that, however practical I would like myself to be, I am an impulsive person. If I don't feel like doing something, I will put it off. It's so difficult to put off immediant happiness in the attempt to secure future happiness. For whatever reason I do much better when work is it's own, defined space. I get ready, I clock in, I am in work mode. I work hard and I take pride in being the best employee that I can be. I clock out and feel accomplished. I don't have a systemized way to prepare and get into a work mode for practicing. I want to want to practice. I certainly feel guilty when I don't practice. But the closer I get to my violin, the weaker my drive to practice becomes. Until I practice for at least 15 minutes, I would rather be wasting time doing anything else. It's a psychological block that I can't explain and have struggled to deal with.

I know I suffer from first world problems. It's frustratingly hard to save up money for the future, and I'm already sick of worrying about buying a 6-pack or going out to eat. But I don't want to be in the same position I'm in in 5 or even 2 years. And that's with the addition of taking on my own health insurance and rent. I want to be a strong, independent, black woman. Wait, what? I've clearly been watching too much AttackingTucans (and Lucahjin).

But beyond work from a financial perspective, I think a main, underlying factor in my general unhappiness is the lack of purpose in my life. Of course, we should work to live, not vice versa. It's been too long since I've thought about religion and having God in my life. As I work to be a better person, I have to return to God in some way. I don't think I've ever explicitly denied the existence of God but He hasn't been in my life for some time. I was thinking that if asked, I might not associate myself with Christianity. I try to be a good person, of course, and my fundamental Christian upbringing is still present in how I think about things, when I take the time to think.

I don't want my religion to be a simple crutch because I don't have the inner strength to form my own purpose of being. I haven't returned to Christ because I think it's cheap to use God as a philosophical band-aid to messily wrap up anything troublesome that I don't understand. My relationship with God should form the core of my being. But that means grappling with my doubts head on. I could never wrap my head around Faith, and I never felt comfortable accepting the fact that Faith isn't something to be fully comprehended. I hope I have spent enough time in the desert wandering around aimlessly. It's time to find the promised land.