Return

As my flight back to Vienna approached and my time here was running out, I was vaguely satisfied that I had at least started to work through family problems. I loved spending quality time with Amber and am happy that we are closer than ever. And then we were able to squeeze in one last visit Friday morning at Bongo Java.

I had given her a card at dinner earlier in the week for her upcoming birthday, and I included some money to help her to come visit me. I knew she would be suspicious and would probably open it. She did, and over tea she told me that she had been worrying about paying for the Bar exam, which is far more expensive than I would have dreamed. It seems obvious to me now that God was working through me, as I helped meet a need that I had no knowledge of.

She gave me a devotional book and a letter. Even as I had driven in to Nashville I had wondered if giving God a second chance would impact my life at all. When I got home I read her messages to me, and something incredible happened. Just reading that Jesus loves me triggered an emotional response unlike anything I have ever experienced, and I broke down crying. I felt that God was with me, and His love became a reality for me when He told me that He loved me. It washed away years of feeling worthless and like a failure. I hadn't even been aware that I hated myself that strongly, or that I craved God's love and approval so much.

Now I see that in a way God brought me back home, despite or because of family problems, in order to seek Him again and finally find Him. I have a lot of horrible habits but I can accept my wandering years as I struggled to make my own way in a new light; my unhappiness led to a re-evaluation of my life and if faith has a part to play in it. I chose to repent and return to God.

God welcomed me back with open arms.

And now as I fly back to Vienna tomorrow it really feels like a new chapter of my life is beginning.