Taking Responsibility

Over the years I have set many goals for myself. Some loftier than others, but most with the good intentions of making a positive change in my life. Unfortunately, I have discovered that 'turning over a new leaf' is more difficult than it sounds. I love making checklists and trying to make plans and schedules, but rarely do I follow through. I have 3 post-it notes above my computer monitors right now that have been there for possibly a year or more: 

Spiritual Health

Read the Bible

Pray

Go to Church

Mental Health

Keep apartment clean

Play violin

Read

Study German

Physical Health

Drink water

Go to bed at midnight

Exercise 3x a week

Take medicine

Shower and brush teeth

These are relatively simple, attainable daily goals. Yet I have not yet succeeded in turning these behaviors into good habits. Laziness is the #1 culprit that undermines my efforts, yet it is true that I have struggled with depression for many years. There is something odd and extremely frustrating that I've found, that I plan to discuss at a later time, and that is the irrationality of humans. At least for me, I used to have definite dreams and plans for my future (and was so close to attaining them while I lived abroad), but while I knew what steps I needed to take to get to where I wanted to be in my life, I never wanted to put in the work. Something held me back. But that's something that needs it's own (series of) posts.

So here I am today, generally listless, unhappy, feeling powerless over the course of my life, having given up my old dream of being a musician, because do I truly want to be a musician if I never want to practice? I am still bitter about my depression robbing me of a future that I wanted - for no discernable reason. If I had returned to the US and found a nice career and maybe even a girlfriend, I could have seen that where 'God closed a door, He opened a window.' 

But as I approach my 35th year on this Earth, I realize that I'm not getting any younger, and I need to change. I have to take responsibility for my own life. All this to say: I started taking Tae Kwon Do classes. I've gone to different churches and am planning on going to my first Bible study in possibly 2 decades. There aren't any in-person German classes in the area (besides at colleges that I can't afford) but I'm going to try to get to a bi-weekly book club at one of the branches of the public library. I'm writing a short story, and have long had plans for an opera that I want to compose one day. Hopefully I can learn how to use Sibelius and even find potential work formatting music scores for composers. 

I want to blog more regularly here, too! It will help me organize my thoughts and track my progress. I feel strangely optimistic, and though I admit that the real struggle only begins now, I desperately wish to finally turn over this new leaf. I can see a life full of exciting possibilities and even opportunities.