Work

I had a long conversation with Martha tonight about work and my how I view money. Looking back over this year I wonder why I never just applied for a normal job. I had a decent amount of work with Dad over the summer and in the fall, but I didn't have a ton of savings when I flew to Boulder, California, and Phoenix in order to audition at my schools and see Tutu and Papa. They offered to pay for my flights but I felt bad asking them to pay when they will be paying for my graduate school tuition.

I do have some kind of pride where I want to be self-sufficient. I know how fortunate I've been and I am extremely grateful for the opportunities I've had thanks to my family - my grandparents in particular. I know my original plan was to audition for several local orchestras and sort of patch together enough work that way. It would have been great experience. However, I was lazy and only ended up taking one audition in Huntsville. So looking back, I can't believe I didn't just go out and start applying for jobs then and there. I took January off to practice and prepare for my auditions, and spent almost a month out west.

I'm frustrated because I try to live a simple life within my means. Had Dad been able to pay me on time, I would have had just enough money to cover my heath insurance, and I would have been spared massive overdraft fees. But what Martha made clear to me is that from their perspective, I haven't been doing very much work in order to help myself. And now I'm in a difficult place because, moving to Boulder before August, I will find it very hard to get a job for half the summer.

I hate disappointing Dad by not having had the foresight to know that I would need a steady income this year. I hate having to borrow money from anyone. I often think that I'm retarded in that I seem to be acting and experiencing life as if I were 3 or 4 years younger than I really am. Most of my friends already have places of their own and have had multiple jobs (though I went to summer music festivals instead). I know I'm not stupid, and no one would suggest that I am, I'm just... slow.

Being broke has been a wake up call. Just as getting to know my grandparents better changed my perspective on life and success. I just want to be happy. I keep finding out that there's more to a successful life than I once thought.