Procrastination

I just finished reading an article on procrastination from the New York Times.

I have often wondered why I never did what I wanted to do. It's irrational and painfully frustrating both for myself and others. I love playing music: I understand that it takes work and practice to become more proficient in making said music: Yet I have struggled to get into the practice room and open my violin case for many years. Ultimately, at least for the present I stand by my decision to pursue my Master's in music and I continue to hope for a career making music. I don't think I'm crazy for being here. I'm crazy to not be in the practice room at least a few hours a day.

Something I have noticed in my behavior is that I do very well at work. I don't think I missed a single day of work last summer when I delivered newspapers every night, and I worked close to 100 days straight before moving to Colorado. I do very well at my current job at Beau Jo's, as well. Jobs where I have a set schedule and can punch in and out of a clock are easy for me. If practicing is my job, right now it's to prepare for unknown auditions in the future. Yet even the shorter term goal of being prepared for a weekly lesson isn't enough to motivate me.

Because I cannot claim ignorance, I am constantly plagued by guilt. I know I can, and I know I should. But I rarely do. I feel like a man-child this year, irresponsible and unwilling to face the realities of adulthood. I had a fun week. I even took today off, except for German, which I missed all of last week because of opera rehearsals. I ate out and played video games. And I'm glad I got back to a point where I felt that my life is worth living. I loved opera week, as I always do, and that's encouraging. I'm hoping that will help me understand that we work hard because it pays off in fun.

I have made a real effort so far to address my depression and energy problems, and I need to keep working on taking care of myself better. Now I feel it's time to finally tackle my giant problem of procrastination. Well, tomorrow. I didn't practice at all tonight and it's now too late to start studying for my Master's Qualifying Exams, but the first step I can take in this new process is to get to sleep at a decent hour.