As I am learning to care about things again, I know that what I am going through is a process. Honestly I think retardation is the most accurate way to describe my entire college career. I grew in some ways, but as a whole I regret all the missed opportunities to really mature. I learned how to coast, rather than excel. That my general underachievement and apathy coincide with the loss of my faith seems to me to be related. So now I have to undo years of living with low expectations, coping mechanisms, little self worth, a lack of purpose, and no vision for the future.
I have had a good life with many blessings and opportunities, and I had my share of personal problems which I didn't handle too well. Moving forward tomorrow means acknowledging past mistakes and attempting to replace destructive habits with positive ones. That I fully understand that the satisfaction of productivity or success can be the rule rather than the exception in my life.
Sometimes I think that being a musician is the wrong career for me to be pursuing, given that it requires such long term vision. It is embarrassingly hard for me to ignore the siren's call of instant gratification in the form of YouTube and Facebook. After all, I'm not going to be fired for not practicing today. In all of my jobs, which required me to clock in and clock out, I have been an exemplary worker. But when my job is to stay home and practice a reasonable number of hours, compared to a 9-5 job, I struggle mightily with distractions.
I hope that it is not long before I am living like I truly believe that I can achieve my dreams.
No comments:
Post a Comment