Reaching Adulthood

I am not what I would have called a "high-functioning person" until I realized that that description is typically associated with disorders like autism. What I mean is that I do not naturally focus on being productive. I'm not responsible in a way where I get things done ahead of time. Planning and organization are at the mercy of my mood. Paperwork, or anything requiring human interaction, genuinely makes me anxious. So all the documents I had to gather and submit for my residence permit, in a country where I don't speak the language, was nerve-wracking and I'm proud of myself for getting it done.

Over the past several years I have learned about different strategies for organizing my life. But I am constantly disappointed with my failure to implement them. I know I function best in a structured environment (private high school, my jobs in the restaurant industry); a healthy diet and a regular 8 hours of sleep go a long way towards mental acuity and energy; even though I am not a morning person, having a morning work session will allow me to double my practice time safely; since I can't have a separate work space from my private space having set work hours is very important to get in the right state of mind; recording myself gives me feedback and really raises my standards and awareness; and if possible, I would really benefit from some sort of practice partner to hold me accountable.

Good habits have to supplant bad ones; setting up smaller goals should give me direction; shutting down distractions will help me focus; the feeling of accomplishment must be addictive and replace fear as the driving force of my life; success has to become a lifestyle. This shift in attitude will take time, and I do have to be patient. But many days I feel so lazy, and I wonder if I have what it takes to be a musician, and I feel like my life has no direction.

God is the answer. I don't even know what that means, in a practical sense. But I know that I am broken and so helpless. My terrible work ethic and crippling procrastination have underscored just how poor I am at directing my own life. It's likely that if I were a more driven, independent adult I would think that I don't need God. In my pride I want to be autonomous. God is just my cool invisible friend that gives me advice, but only when I ask for it, and at the end of the day I make all the decisions concerning my own life. I want God to let me be myself, and I want to have it within myself to be the best me I can dream of. I hate the idea that God is a crutch for the weak.

But it's not really like that. If we let Him, God walks beside us. He leads us, and if we can learn to trust in Him, we don't have to worry. We aren't puppets where every choice is simply between God's way and the wrong way. Everyone is weak, but God gives us His strength to do the things He's called us to do. We have real free will, and the choices we make are our own. We're not His equals, but we are His children. The real changes that I seek start from the belief that God will give me the strength to be the man He's called me to be.