Disappointment

Today was rough. I should mention that climbing on a roof in order to pull off old shutters to be cleaned is not my idea of a good time. But today was just disappointing overall. Because work ended very early I arrived at Blair around 1:30. I sat out on the patio and read some more of The Courage to Create. I thought about making that my 'Place,' but it's far from home and it's getting cold out. Still, I felt more comfortable there than anywhere else at Blair. I feel like an intruder, that the building doesn't belong to me anymore. I hardly recognize people anymore.

I practiced about an hour and a half, which was the most I've played my violin for a week. Then I tried to write some poetry but ended up just wandering around the building feeling ill at ease until I found Chris and his dad drove us to Starbucks. We hung out in the comp. lab until Susan came by and we went to dinner. We wanted to go to Korea House but it was too busy and I knew it would take too long anyway. Buffalo Wild Wings was a great choice, though. Susan dropped us off at Blair just in time for our dress rehearsal for Trey's recital. The run through went okay. We fixed a few minor details but everything seemed to gel. Except for my sextuplets that play against sixteenth notes. I was upset that I couldn't get them to click with the rest of the music, but at least we held together.

I hung out with Chris for the rest of the night. We went up to see Susan practice and she wanted me to sight read the Debussy violin sonata with her. I forget who she is accompanying. It's a beautiful piece but it was hard to read off the score and my counting was horrible. Then she asked me to play grad school stuff. I shouldn't have indulged them. It was horrid. Not just the first 2 pages of Sibelius, but Don Juan was atrocious. It was the worst I've ever played for someone, I think.

Susan kept practicing for a while and I felt what it truly means to be a third wheel. I'm happy for them, and they are a great couple, but I didn't really know what to think. I know I have people who care about me. But it's a bummer not having someone special.

And perhaps even more frustrating, I haven't made any progress on my poetry at all. Today just sucked the life out of me. I saw my life and everything about it screamed failure. You're nobody 'till somebody loves you.