According to my post on Skype, I have now been off of Facebook for a month (Sept. 15). I miss talking to a few people, most of whom I would probably hear back from if I messaged / wrote on their wall. A big thing is that Chris hardly gets on Skype, so I don't talk to him nearly as much these days. I have realized the difference between acquaintances / old friends and (active) friends. People drift apart; it doesn't mean the friendship and connection you had before was any less special. I realize the truth of those statements more and more as time passes and my group of active friends shrinks. And many of my 500 Facebook friends were only acquaintances that I never really developed a solid relationship with.
It's been a great year so far. I have dedicated myself to figuring out who I am, who I want to become, and how to get to that place where I'm happy. I'm reevaluating my dreams, my relationships with family and friends, and my habits. I outlined the kind of person I want to be in an earlier post: an independent, responsible, intelligent, loving, entertaining, creative man of God. To that end I have many ideas which I am trying to implement in my life.
Cutting myself off from brain numbing Facebook (I have struggled to ban TV completely) has allowed me to shake off this sedentary lifestyle, but I have a ways to go. Productive things here include buying my own health care policy and renewing my passport, albeit too late to go on the Vanderbilt Orchestra tour to China. (I'm extra upset about that because Garrett will be in China at the same time and is trying to meet up with friends!)
I have increased my reading ten-fold, and because I know that I have an especially poor memory, to really take something to heart I will have to reread things many times. I am studying Steinbeck's The Winter of Our Discontent through cutting it into a piece (forensics), although as an almost 300 page book I don't think I will be able to memorize something that long. I already have 7 pages typed out, plus the entirety of Chapter 3 copied and printed. The main point of this exercise is to be able to fully grasp the important themes and elements of the book and be able to talk about them intelligently. I doubt I'll ever run into a person who will know this particular book as well as I hope to, so there's also a kind of feeling that I'm making it my own. And I do so love the writing.
I love my friends. I don't think anyone would doubt that. But I have always had sort of an inferiority complex where I don't feel like an equal in the relationship. I try not to take offense when people don't return my messages or they say they are too busy to hang out, because I trust that they know what they are doing with their lives, and that if they had time they might make the effort to see me. I have struggled a lot with the feeling that I am 'dead weight.' So I think that I need to take some time to myself in order to find what I can bring to the table. If, as Mr. Rogers suggests, 'the greatest gift you can give is your honest self,' it's not selfish to try to make something of yourself. Something worth giving.
I wish I was funnier. I love comedy, and I love to make people laugh. Yet I am a horrendous story-teller and I really don't have any wild and crazy times to tell. My plan to become socially astute is two fold: Get used to my own voice (physically - by talking as much as possible); Find my creative voice (through music, art, poetry, and beliefs and opinions). Whenever I finish my latest poems, I'll kill two birds with one stone and memorize it for recitations. I don't plan on returning to Facebook until I complete five poems I am happy to share. I have gotten on Facebook briefly to find a picture for my Mom's digital frame and to find an e-mail address, and I'm not too thrilled with the new layout. Of course, I haven't had time to get used to it yet.
So I've read a few books this month. I could be doing so much more with my life. I am very glad to have rejuvenated this blog. This is my twelfth post since I disabled my Facebook. I'm not even sure if anyone reads this anymore, but writing and self-reflection makes me a self-aware and self-actualized person. It helps me absorb all that I read and experience. It stimulates creative self-expression. All of which hopefully will be noticed by those who love me enough to care.
Two final things remain in this analysis of the past month: A failure and a blessing.
Violin fell by the wayside this month. I am ashamed of my lack of effort and passion. My grand vision of putting in 400 practice hours by December was abandoned long ago. I'm still not sure what happened, but I have been a very lackluster student of music since my sophomore year at Vanderbilt. I'm not sure it's a coincidence that around that time I turned away from God.
I am trying to read the Bible again and actually went to church two weeks in a row. I really like this small Anglican church that meets on Saturdays. I mentioned running into the Robertsons, who were a real blessing in my teenage life. Maybe I should have tried harder to find my own way. Many people define themselves through their work, and have been guided by philosophy and the arts. But my experience has been that without a relationship with God, I have become incredibly apathetic, and that saying I felt 'lost' is a gross understatement.
A meaningful, joyful life starts at a spiritual level. A relationship with God should be the foundation for the rest of your life. The change I've experienced is just a start. I hope for ever more radical growth and for a fire to be lit under me as I come into my own.
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